My life the adventure novel.

Seems like every time I post here it's been longer and longer since my last entry. Perhaps, dear blog, we have become too much for one another. Or you've become too much for me anyway, since it certainly can't be my life that is too fabulous to record.

Wah my life is so hard, wah.

I think the problem that I have with blogging - and honestly - the reason why I post so little these days, is that I feel as though it's more of a stage than a diary. I remember the days of livejournal, back when James and I would write 2-3 times a day sometimes in much the same fashion as I spam twitter nowadays. It was all stream of consciousness and it didn't matter if it didn't make THAT much sense because "it's my blog, if you don't like it don't read it".

I want this post to be a "you're not the boss of me now" style post, where I decide to post what I want because it IS my blog, but at the end of the day I'm a grown up now and my thoughts, feelings and opinions have more impact now than they ever did back then. Friends, family, loved ones who read this don't want to hear about my day to day struggles with my weight, or how INCREDIBLY CRANKY I am right now. Nobody wants to read about the mundane, in-between stuff, it's just not good blogging.

Anyway I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that I'm in a bad mood and I wish I had somewhere like I used to to express that. This is growing up.

xx. A.

Pregnant people suck [part 3294283443 of why I'm going to Hell].

Disclaimer: I think everyone sucks, pregnant people are just who pissed me off today. Apologies if that offends you.

Anyway.

Pregnant people piss me the fuck off [another reason I'm headed straight to Hell]. 

Cooking a small human inside you does not automatically make you more important than all the other big humans around you. If anything - the way I see it - it should indebt you to the big humans around you since we [the big humans] are the ones who will undoubtedly pay for your childcare reimbursements, your hospital stays and god knows what else via our taxes. When you or your kid gets sick, it's my tax money that will pay your "sick benefit" or whatever the hell it is that Centrelink recently introduced. On top of that - if you're the shitcunt that I imagine you are [and honestly I don't doubt that you are], it's my tax that will pay for EVERYTHING ELSE in your childs life since you probably wont bother to get a job, since now you have an excuse not to.

All that judgement aside, I have other legitimate [I feel] reasons to hate pregnant people. 

Last weekend I fell down and dislocated my knee + sprained my ankle [I don't believe in doing things in halves]. I had most of this week off work, but I did drag my ass in a few days because I'm a responsible motherfucker and I didn't want the people I work with to be screwed. On those days I dragged my ass in, I caught an express bus into the city and miraculously managed to get a seat. I WAS SO RELIEVED. I can barely stand and when I do it literally sends wave after wave radiating from my big toe to my hip.. it is INTENSE. 

Anyway I get two stops from where I got on and this woman who claimed to be pregnant but might have actually just been fat gets on, comes and stands infront of me and just STARES at me expectantly. I stared back for a moment, after which she raises her eyebrows and kind of.. flicks her gaze toward the aisle, you know what I mean, right? Bitch is literally DISMISSING me from 'her' seat, without saying A WORD. On top of that, I'm not even sitting in the "Priority Seating" area [aka where you're supposed to vacate for elderly, pregnant or disabled people].

I'm not even sure what to do at this point, like.. she is clearly out of line, right? I [gingerly because it FUCKING HURTS] get up and start to hobble out of the seat at which point she barges into me, shoving me onto the aisle where I almost fall down because I can't put weight on my left leg. 

I want to say that I said something or stood up for myself, and even right now I'm sitting here completely tempted to make something up about a snarky comment I made which ensured me a round of applause from the rest of the bus, but in honesty I just limped to the back of the bus and stood there, feeling blood trickle from where she'd opened some of the cuts on my knee, trying not to cry.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I fucking hate pregnant women. The sense of entitlement. The feeling that since she has so capably spread her legs and managed to procreate she is suddenly better than those of us who are not currently bearing the children of what can undoubtedly only be a toothless, rattail having, Woolworths shelf-packer who spends his days in singlet, shorts and flannies. 

Don't get me wrong all pregnant women aren't that bad, but even the pregnant women I LIKE give me the shits. Things like inviting me to a baby shower and expecting me to play stupid games that involve toilet paper, or ANY food housed in a babies nappy, or bedazzling or scrapbooking.. I mean, jesus christ, I'm getting a head ache already. 

ON TOP OF THAT. Everyone struggles to sleep! The fact that the reason you can't sleep is because your cum-fruit keeps kicking you in the rib doesn't make you any more entitled to a nap in the lunch room than me, who didn't sleep because I had some insane Mexican food last night. 

Anyway, I could keep going because GOT DAMN do I hate pregnant people, but I feel as though I'm already likely to wake up tomorrow morning to a million pregnant pension mums bearing pitchforks and screaming for my blood.

Instead, I'm going to go enjoy a nice cold vodka. Which I can do. Because there is no cum-goblin in my womb. Score!

xx. A.  

+ A single, undeniable fact.

Darn tooten.

xx. A.

Memories.

So, I was sitting on twitter earlier (I know, shocking), and there's this fantastic #TAG going on at the moment called the best friends tag. I started to do it but it was spamming a whole lot (which is saying something coming from me, TRUST).. so I decided to do it on my blog.

Anyway, about 10 minutes in I got super bored so I deleted the whole thing and instead I will tell you a story.

A long long time ago, when I was about 18? And James was a year younger than me I guess, we lived together in a very small "bedroom" (it was actually a garage). We thought we were super cool in our own little.. Bachelor[ette] pad, I guess?  It was really quite lame and I am super ashamed even looking at the pictures but I'm going to share some.. just because.

We painted the whole thing white with the intention of doing "Graffiti Art" on the walls, to kind of make the room punk-rock (we were both going through an Avril/punk/aahhh rebellion stage, and both had dyed black hair, dark eyeliner and bracelets upto our elbows).. about two seconds in to the very first "artwork" it became very clear that neither of us are Graffiti Artists, and so we decided instead to cover it in posters.

Anyway, one day we were sitting on our computers (which were literally feet from one another), listening to music, when I turned to him and said "Nach [my nickname for him and his for me], get on MSN I need to talk to you" ... it really didn't occur to either of us that this was unusual in any way whatsoever until much, much later. We also had a couch (which you can sort of see in the forefront of the picture above) which was magical, named "The Couch Bin" and would sometimes produce Coke or any other beverage that you expressed desire for. It was amazing.

I guess that's all, except I <3 and miss my Nachboo. <3 <3 <3 BFF. .. even in terrible webcam photos where I'm eating your face off! Aaaahhh we were so young!! <3

xx. A.

A wild Unreliable Blogger has appeared!

>.> So... it's me!

Been a while, I know, I'm a terrible person. I find it so easy to be distracted by Twitter and Facebook and other methods of communicating quickly and without actually having to form cohesive thoughts, sometimes Blogging just falls to the backburner. I actually was inspired by James - my BFF - to make more of an effort with this thing, but I suppose we'll see how long that lasts!

Busy few weeks in my li-- hahahaha, I cant even TYPE that with a straight face. I've been doing a fat lot of nothing and it has been amazing. I've spent roughly 50% of my waking [and not working] time in random FPS games [flavour of the moment is Battlefield: Bad Company 2]. I've discovered I'm actually shockingly bad at them [FPS games] but I really, really enjoy shooting people so I just keep playing. I think I might actually be getting a LITTLE bit better but I guess the people I play with would probably say otherwise..

I'm really looking forward to next month. I have a secret that I can't disclose because the person it involves reads this, but it's going to be amazing. Basically the best weekend in a long, long time and hopefully it'll put me right up there in the Greatest [CENSORED RELATIONSHIP SO PERSON CAN'T GUESS] Of All Time hall of memories. I'm also going to see one of my bestest friends Richelle whom I am so gay for and miss so much. <3 I can't wait to hug her and squeeze her and make her drunk! It's going to be fantastique!

Umm.. what else. I really want a puppy but I live in an apartment and I feel as though it would be super cruel to make a dog [especially a pup] live in an apartment, especially when it's winter and I'm not likely to want to walk a dog after coming home from work when it's dark and cold and raining and miserable. Damn my common sense, withholding the cute and adorable from me.

I guess I have something serious to blog about regarding school and goals and life and all that bullcrap but right now I'm a few drinks in and I don't feel as though my thoughts would make enough sense to do that justice... so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Two blog posts in a row, wouldn't that be something?!

With all that said, my lovelies, I'm off! My plans for the evening include: vodka, youtube, shooting baddies and possibly going out. We'll see!

xx. A.

The early bird gets the worm.

I'm sick and cranky, so here's a list of things on Facebook I don't give a fuck about:

1.  The status of your childs bowel movements. Here's a hint: I don't think anyone else cares, either. But that's just me.
2.  How "sd u r abt wut hpnd on hm & awy tonit lolllllzzz".
3.  Those "93% of people are effected by XYZ" statuses. If you want to help with Cancer/AIDS/whatever the fuck, donate some money or time or something. GTFO my live feed.
4.  Actually, the status of anything your child does, ever. If I wanted to be your kids friend/hear about its day, I'd tell it to make a facebook.
5.  How cold it is! I can have awkward conversations with people about the weather IRL, I don't want it online too!
6.  Reality TV! If I cared about it, I'd watch it ! You should be ashamed of the fact you watch it, and hiding it as best you can, not making updates about who you think should win! FOR SHAME!
7.  Any random in-joke you have with ONE person on your friends list. Here's another hint: post it on their wall, asswipe.
8.  How much money you spent on your new car/house/boat/anything. Isn't money one of those deadly 3 you arent supposed to discuss in public? Yeah.. don't do it.
9.  How much you loooooooove your significant other and how happy they make you and how sexy they are and SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY CARES. Who are you trying to convince, us or you?
10.  Most stuff really. IDGAF.


I'm tired.
xx. A.

Religious Holidays, chocolate, and I'm going to Hell.

I'm the first person to admit that if there IS a hell, I'll be working on my tan down there, hanging with Hitler, chillin' with Caesar.. I'm sure there'll be heaps of interesting people and where there's people there's food and goddamn do I love me a good buffet. 

I do lots of things that would earn me my room down there. I'm 25, unmarried and living with two guys. The last time I saw the inside of a church was one that had been refurbished into a Pancake Manor. I spend hours on my appearance every week. I have a massive online presence and am incredibly self aware. I don't donate to charity as often as I could or should. The list goes on and on.. However, I feel like the absolute coup de grace has to do with religious holidays and the way I choose to celebrate them. As such -- for ease of access [assuming the G man exists and wants a bit of a cheat sheet] -- I figured I'd share with my audience the way I celebrate the [few] religious holidays I even know about.

1. Easter [and thus inspiration for this post]. Easter has something to do with Jesus becoming a Zombie in a cave as far as I know and as far as I know there wasn't ANY chocolate involved [Zombies eat brains not bunnies, duh] and yet my method of celebrating this holiday is by gorging myself on Cadbury Creme Eggs and eating bunnies ears-first. Depending on the year I'll also add in a generous sleep in [not this year though, Top 100 Songs of the 90s!!].. which I feel MIGHT redeem me, since before Jesus apparently became a Zombie he was dead.. and death is kinda like sleeping.. right? Winner?

2. Christmas. I know a little bit more about the religious side of Christmas but I'd be lying if I said 90% of my knowledge didn't come from Christmas Carols I heard The Wiggles singing during Carols in the Domain. So apparently, baby Jesus was born in a stable because Mary and Joseph didn't book ahead and just expected there to be a room available on Christmas Eve. I mean, really? Anyway, some old dudes came and gave some super weird gifts [what the hell even IS Merr?], a little drummer boy played his drum [which I don't understand EITHER because every baby I've ever met has been super sensitive to noise, not to mention new mothers who are a whole nother species as far as I can tell].. and yeah, that's about it.

As far as I can tell we're supposed to go to Church Christmas Eve [or that's what was happening in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, anyway..], then again Christmas morning, and then again later in the day.  We're supposed to pray and eat bread and sing songs and spend time with family.

Now, what ACTUALLY happens is that I spend months leading up to Christmas spending money I can't really afford on presents, gift wrapping them for vanity sake, planning my outfit and makeup [also for vanity sake]. I watch Carols in the Domain Christmas Eve [which I guess is kinda like Church so maybe a winner there], I wake up and eat bacon and eggs and then open/give presents. Once I've made a huge mess of the living room, I take a nap til lunch when I wake up, gorge myself some more, get drunk and .. honestly the rest of every Christmas since I was 18 is a blur so I'm not sure what happens after that point.

Welp.

I just spent 10 minutes sitting here trying to think of another religious holiday and while I'm sure they exist I can't remember any, so lets just say that if there ARE any I probably abuse them in much the same manner as the above.

In conclusion, assuming there is a G-man, and a Hell. I'd like a room with a view, and if possible I'd prefer not to have to share with anyone. Thanks in advance!

xx. A.