Wah my life is so hard, wah.

I think the problem that I have with blogging - and honestly - the reason why I post so little these days, is that I feel as though it's more of a stage than a diary. I remember the days of livejournal, back when James and I would write 2-3 times a day sometimes in much the same fashion as I spam twitter nowadays. It was all stream of consciousness and it didn't matter if it didn't make THAT much sense because "it's my blog, if you don't like it don't read it".

I want this post to be a "you're not the boss of me now" style post, where I decide to post what I want because it IS my blog, but at the end of the day I'm a grown up now and my thoughts, feelings and opinions have more impact now than they ever did back then. Friends, family, loved ones who read this don't want to hear about my day to day struggles with my weight, or how INCREDIBLY CRANKY I am right now. Nobody wants to read about the mundane, in-between stuff, it's just not good blogging.

Anyway I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that I'm in a bad mood and I wish I had somewhere like I used to to express that. This is growing up.

xx. A.

Pregnant people suck [part 3294283443 of why I'm going to Hell].

Disclaimer: I think everyone sucks, pregnant people are just who pissed me off today. Apologies if that offends you.

Anyway.

Pregnant people piss me the fuck off [another reason I'm headed straight to Hell]. 

Cooking a small human inside you does not automatically make you more important than all the other big humans around you. If anything - the way I see it - it should indebt you to the big humans around you since we [the big humans] are the ones who will undoubtedly pay for your childcare reimbursements, your hospital stays and god knows what else via our taxes. When you or your kid gets sick, it's my tax money that will pay your "sick benefit" or whatever the hell it is that Centrelink recently introduced. On top of that - if you're the shitcunt that I imagine you are [and honestly I don't doubt that you are], it's my tax that will pay for EVERYTHING ELSE in your childs life since you probably wont bother to get a job, since now you have an excuse not to.

All that judgement aside, I have other legitimate [I feel] reasons to hate pregnant people. 

Last weekend I fell down and dislocated my knee + sprained my ankle [I don't believe in doing things in halves]. I had most of this week off work, but I did drag my ass in a few days because I'm a responsible motherfucker and I didn't want the people I work with to be screwed. On those days I dragged my ass in, I caught an express bus into the city and miraculously managed to get a seat. I WAS SO RELIEVED. I can barely stand and when I do it literally sends wave after wave radiating from my big toe to my hip.. it is INTENSE. 

Anyway I get two stops from where I got on and this woman who claimed to be pregnant but might have actually just been fat gets on, comes and stands infront of me and just STARES at me expectantly. I stared back for a moment, after which she raises her eyebrows and kind of.. flicks her gaze toward the aisle, you know what I mean, right? Bitch is literally DISMISSING me from 'her' seat, without saying A WORD. On top of that, I'm not even sitting in the "Priority Seating" area [aka where you're supposed to vacate for elderly, pregnant or disabled people].

I'm not even sure what to do at this point, like.. she is clearly out of line, right? I [gingerly because it FUCKING HURTS] get up and start to hobble out of the seat at which point she barges into me, shoving me onto the aisle where I almost fall down because I can't put weight on my left leg. 

I want to say that I said something or stood up for myself, and even right now I'm sitting here completely tempted to make something up about a snarky comment I made which ensured me a round of applause from the rest of the bus, but in honesty I just limped to the back of the bus and stood there, feeling blood trickle from where she'd opened some of the cuts on my knee, trying not to cry.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I fucking hate pregnant women. The sense of entitlement. The feeling that since she has so capably spread her legs and managed to procreate she is suddenly better than those of us who are not currently bearing the children of what can undoubtedly only be a toothless, rattail having, Woolworths shelf-packer who spends his days in singlet, shorts and flannies. 

Don't get me wrong all pregnant women aren't that bad, but even the pregnant women I LIKE give me the shits. Things like inviting me to a baby shower and expecting me to play stupid games that involve toilet paper, or ANY food housed in a babies nappy, or bedazzling or scrapbooking.. I mean, jesus christ, I'm getting a head ache already. 

ON TOP OF THAT. Everyone struggles to sleep! The fact that the reason you can't sleep is because your cum-fruit keeps kicking you in the rib doesn't make you any more entitled to a nap in the lunch room than me, who didn't sleep because I had some insane Mexican food last night. 

Anyway, I could keep going because GOT DAMN do I hate pregnant people, but I feel as though I'm already likely to wake up tomorrow morning to a million pregnant pension mums bearing pitchforks and screaming for my blood.

Instead, I'm going to go enjoy a nice cold vodka. Which I can do. Because there is no cum-goblin in my womb. Score!

xx. A.  

The early bird gets the worm.

I'm sick and cranky, so here's a list of things on Facebook I don't give a fuck about:

1.  The status of your childs bowel movements. Here's a hint: I don't think anyone else cares, either. But that's just me.
2.  How "sd u r abt wut hpnd on hm & awy tonit lolllllzzz".
3.  Those "93% of people are effected by XYZ" statuses. If you want to help with Cancer/AIDS/whatever the fuck, donate some money or time or something. GTFO my live feed.
4.  Actually, the status of anything your child does, ever. If I wanted to be your kids friend/hear about its day, I'd tell it to make a facebook.
5.  How cold it is! I can have awkward conversations with people about the weather IRL, I don't want it online too!
6.  Reality TV! If I cared about it, I'd watch it ! You should be ashamed of the fact you watch it, and hiding it as best you can, not making updates about who you think should win! FOR SHAME!
7.  Any random in-joke you have with ONE person on your friends list. Here's another hint: post it on their wall, asswipe.
8.  How much money you spent on your new car/house/boat/anything. Isn't money one of those deadly 3 you arent supposed to discuss in public? Yeah.. don't do it.
9.  How much you loooooooove your significant other and how happy they make you and how sexy they are and SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY CARES. Who are you trying to convince, us or you?
10.  Most stuff really. IDGAF.


I'm tired.
xx. A.

10 Reasons Why I Hate Facebook.

Disclaimer: Please don't get offended if you commit any of the crimes 1-10 and are on my friends list. The majority of these things only annoy me if I'm already in a bad mood [which, granted, happens a lot... lol] and really it's not up to you or anyone else to censor yourself on your own Facebook. This is just a bit of a rant to help me stay sane.. :P

Anyway, without further ado:

10 reasons I freaking abhor Facebook:

1.  The millions and zillions of updates by my cousins/younger people on my friends list/people in general who seem to have nothing better to do that are simply them "liking" things like -- "Like this status if your name starts with A, C, D, E, F, G, K, L, N, O, P, V, W, X, Y, Z" or "I hate that I love you", or something equally as stupid/frustrating.

2.  The updates by new parents/not working parents who seem to think everyone on their friends list cares that their child has pooped 3 times, today.

3. Invites to causes like "Stop Child Abuse in Australia". Don't get me wrong, child abuse disgusts me but HOW THE FORK does me joining a group on Facebook do anything but spam and annoy the people on my friends list?

4. The emo status updates that go down like this: "I'm so sad and lonely, goddamn, nobody loves me. Comment or text me if you actually give a damn about me." I'm sorry, but even if I DID give a damn if you killed yourself [I don't] I wouldn't text or comment you except maybe to call you a sad, stupid little girl/boy. Blatant attention seeking like this leads me to believe that you need to be slapped, not rewarded. It'd be like patting a dog after it peed on my bed. I'm sorry you're sad, really I am - we've all been there - but things like "comment or text if you actually give a damn about me"? Damn, girl.. you need to be less of a Stephen King psychopath.

5. While we're on the topic of emo status updates, anything talking about how bad your life is. I'm sorry, but when you're healthy, employed/going to school, living at home with practically no expenses whatsoever -- your life is awesome and you need to grow the fork up and stop being such a spoilt, unappreciative brat. Don't get me wrong, I've made my fair share of emo posts in my time but I've also had Cancer.. so I think my emo was well deserved.

6. Any photo with poorly photoshopped motos/sayings/lyrics on them. I'm sorry but really, people? And if you absolutely MUST do it, for the love of god at least get the your/you're or their/there/they're you're using right! FFS!

7. Mass Messages. I do not give a damn what the reason for it is, I don't want it. I don't care if I could win $1,000,000.00 from reading it, it isn't worth the next 5 weeks of facebook notifications that are simply stupid people replying saying "oh that's great, btw how are you?" or something along those lines that I frankly don't give a flying fork about.

8. "Secret" statuses. I don't care what colour your bra is, where you keep your bag or what your relationship status is. And by the way NOBODY ELSE DOES, EITHER. Posting the colour of your bra doesn't raise breast cancer awareness - it just makes you sound like a slut. Telling us where your bag is doesn't .. do whatever it was supposed to do.. it just makes you SOUND like a slut. And putting a random alcoholic beverage in your status to symbolise your relationship status is equally as stupid -- for one thing, we can SEE your relationship status in the details of your profile.. and for two, what does an alcoholic beverage of ANY kind have to do with ANYONES relationship status unless being-a-drunk-whore-and-going-home-with-anyone-who'll-have-you is included in there, as a nice little heads up to the guys on your facebook friends list. Seriously!

9. The awkwardness when someone you don't like/is friends with a friend of yours/your parents/brothers/whatever but you don't really KNOW them, adds you. I feel super bad saying no to the request but at the same time I don't actually give a damn about them and now I'm going to have to listen to them do things-I-hate 1-8 everyday, over and over..

10. The fact that facebook is freaking addictive. I could get rid of all the above annoyances if I just left facebook or deleted the people who commit crimes 1-9... but I'm so curious! I'd rather know about the evil than leave and wonder.. it's like a train wreck.. it's horrible and gory and people are screaming and dying all over the place, but I can't.. look.. . away. GAH.


xx. A.

Confession.

I'm always so amused by peoples stupid little problems. I just find it BEYOND hilarious some of the things people get upset about, or involved in. And what's more amusing is that they seem to think I should care about it, because I continue to hear about it, again and again. And I can feel that they expect me to give them some kind of sympathy, or comforting words, and you know what? I really cannot be bothered.

The world sucks, get used to it. If the worst problem you have right now is that he wont love you back, or your best friend is moving to another state, or that you can't afford to go out this weekend.. well, you've got it pretty damned easy and you should shut the fuck up and stop complaining to people with real issues.

My two cents.

xx. A.

Things I like.

I am so completely annoyed and angry right now that I have decided to take a page out of the amazing lady Oprahs book and write about stuff I like in hopes of being less annoyed and angry, and also to stop myself from writing something I don't mean or will regret at a later date.

I like rain.
I like the smell of it, especially if grass (not mine since I live in an apartment) has been cut recently, so you get that fresh-grass-rain-summer'y smell and it's just divine.
I like the sound of it - the heavier the better. When I was having problems sleeping I even went so far as to download an application for my phone that simply plays the sound of a storm and it really did help.

I like getting out of the shower on a hot day and sitting around in a towel, under the fan, just relaxing.
I like how my hair feels on my shoulders and back when it's still damp and cool.

I like laying in bed, listening to my music with my eyes closed. It's like everything else fades away and all I can feel is the beat.
I like music a lot, actually. I love how it can completely change a bad mood into a good one.
I like how certain songs can take me back to specific moments in my life -- so completely. I have songs for all sorts of things, events, people..
I really like 80s music.

I like buying things. Faaaaaaaaar too much.
In particular, I like buying make up. I like applying makeup and wearing makeup, but mostly I just love buying/owning it.
I also like buying stationary (and stationary in general, not just buying it). I would blame being in administration for it, but I really do have a sick sort of fetish for it. Nothing makes me happier than finding a purple glittery stapler to match my purple glittery holepunch.

I like getting mail. I'm contemplating getting a PO box and joining one of those communities that just send letters to eachother. It makes me so happy!

I like pink, and purple, and silver. It doesn't even matter what the thing is, I will automatically like it about 10x better just by it being one of those colours. 20x more if it's a combination of them. Sparkles or glitter adds another 10x, too.

I like video games.
I like the fact that there is a number of very specific things that I need to do to get better at them and if I am persistant I will eventually get what I want.
I like that if I make 300 bandages I will max out my first aid skill, and I'll never have to worry about being sick or hurt again.
I like that I can pick what I look like, and change it if I get bored.
I like that I can pick a role in life (one that is very specific and comes with instructions) and if I get bored, I can start again -- from scratch -- with no baggage or debt.

I also like shooting zombies. A lot.

I like sleep ins.
I like having bacon and eggs in the morning after a sleep in, because it reminds me of my dad cooking Christmas breakfasts, which were always my favorite part of that holiday.
I like snuggling up in bed and completely destroying the blanket (something I have been repeatedly told off for by partners), tucking it up under my feet and curling it around me like a little coocoon, pulling some up to my chest to cuddle and simultaneously use as a pillow.

This hasn't made my mood any better but it has made me want to go snuggle up in bed with my iPod, so I think that's what I'm going to go do.

xx. A.

Summary.

Today was hard.

I wonder if I should even bother typing that anymore.

xx. A.

Anger.

I'm angry.

Not regular, "the dog knocked over a potplant", angry. But deep and soulseething angry, I want to throw things angry, screaming doesn't make me feel any better angry. Angry to the very core of my being. I feel as though my person has been absorbed by this living, breathing ball of anger that just cannot be expressed.

I'm the kind of person who (as previously mentioned) doesn't deal with emotions very well. My usual reaction to being mad or regular-person angry is just to walk away - to ignore it and wait for it to simmer away until there's nothing left and I'm okay again. And for the most part, this has worked.

This kind of angry though, it doesn't simmer down, it boils and bubbles over. For days I can be mad about the one thing until I just cannot hold it in any longer and I explode - almost literally - at whoever is unfortunate enough to be in line of sight. In the last month I have had more arguments than I previously had even LISTENED to in years. I've snapped at people for asking how I am - or for not asking often enough. I've snapped at people for suggesting that I look tired and should go rest. I've snapped for no reason at all except that the anger is so thick that I cannot swallow it back any longer.

I know where the anger stems from. I'm mad that I'm sick. I'm hurt that people seem to seesaw between being overbearingly caring and forgetting I exist. I'm scared of dying - as remote an option as this seems, as far fetched, according to statistics and all the paperwork doctors have fed me - I'm petrified.

I'm angry with myself for not being tested sooner. I had soooo many signs for months and months before I was diagnosed and I just put it off because I was embarrassed, it wasn't until I was FORCED to face the music as it were that I finally went to the doctor.

I guess, honestly, that's the biggest thing. I'm angry with myself and I find it impossible to feel anything else, toward almost anyone else. And that really sucks.

xx. A.