The early bird gets the worm.

I'm sick and cranky, so here's a list of things on Facebook I don't give a fuck about:

1.  The status of your childs bowel movements. Here's a hint: I don't think anyone else cares, either. But that's just me.
2.  How "sd u r abt wut hpnd on hm & awy tonit lolllllzzz".
3.  Those "93% of people are effected by XYZ" statuses. If you want to help with Cancer/AIDS/whatever the fuck, donate some money or time or something. GTFO my live feed.
4.  Actually, the status of anything your child does, ever. If I wanted to be your kids friend/hear about its day, I'd tell it to make a facebook.
5.  How cold it is! I can have awkward conversations with people about the weather IRL, I don't want it online too!
6.  Reality TV! If I cared about it, I'd watch it ! You should be ashamed of the fact you watch it, and hiding it as best you can, not making updates about who you think should win! FOR SHAME!
7.  Any random in-joke you have with ONE person on your friends list. Here's another hint: post it on their wall, asswipe.
8.  How much money you spent on your new car/house/boat/anything. Isn't money one of those deadly 3 you arent supposed to discuss in public? Yeah.. don't do it.
9.  How much you loooooooove your significant other and how happy they make you and how sexy they are and SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY CARES. Who are you trying to convince, us or you?
10.  Most stuff really. IDGAF.


I'm tired.
xx. A.

Rain, rain, go away..

So it's raining here. And when I say it's raining, I mean, it's raining. For the first few days it was annoying -- Queensland is so warm that even when it rains it tends to be incredibly humid.. the rain hits the roads, sizzles and rises back up.. It's so weird, having the sky falling around you and still being SO HOT you don't want to wear a jacket or any clothes that aren't absolutely necessary.

After about half a week it started to cool down though and for a little while I was enjoying it. The cool weather was a nice change from constantly feeling as though at any minute you might topple over and die from heat exhaustion. I also lovelovelove the sound of rain outside my window while I'm falling asleep, so I had a few nights of fantastic sleep there.

Now though, it's getting a little out of hand. My cold has come back and -- in true My Life fashion -- my dryer has chosen this fantastic time to die. Normally it'd be fine, since it's so warm clothes would dry within minutes of being put out.. but it's so cold and oddly humid at the same time that clothes are literally starting to smell before they dry. It's so frustrating! Ah the trials and tribulations of My Life. haha.

Back to work tomorrow and I'm excited! Last week was surprisingly not-too-painful. I mean, I was exhausted but I had expected that so it was easy to work around [energy drinks rock]. I had expected it to be awkward inserting myself back into worklife after so long of not working/being unreliable, but I guess I picked the right time to come back since everyone was returning from holidays, so I'm only as awkward as the people around me.. and that's nice.

I have a checkup on the 17th which is a week from today. I'm both nervous and excited. I kept saying the Cancer didn't define me.. but after 4 months, it really did become my life. I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write about and I've just got nothing. I spend my days reading and watching TV and just recovering from the hell my body just went through, so I'm really not too interesting at all.

I've almost finished up with another "People I know" post but it's sensitive so I want it to be 'right' before I post it. I know I said last week, but it should be up this week, for realsies. A couple of people have mentioned they'd like me to post more and I am trying, but remember I have a twitter and I tend to post there 43294892308423 times a day, if you're missing me. =]

Anyway it's 12:34am.. I need to be awake in 6 hours to go pwn it up at the D of TMR! I can't wait! Night world!

xx. A.

"Feed me" button..

So, I thought about this for a long time before I did it. While I was having treatment in particular, and struggling to stay above water I had so many people suggest that I put a paypal button on my website somewhere but I was always way too proud and I figured things would fall into place eventually. I'm still proud [this is killing me to write] and I still think -- eventually -- things will get better.. the thing is, they aren't getting better fast enough. I can't keep up and things keep going wrong and even I have to admit, I need help.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys asking for anything. It literally makes me nausious to even think about borrowing money and so I guess this is the cowards way out, in a way. There is atleast 1 person in my life I could ask for financial aid and he would -- without question -- offer it, but I wouldn't. I'd find a way, instead.

Anyway this post isn't about guilting people into clicking that button. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how I'm hungry and my dryer died and I owe XYZ money to XYZ companies. I'm just going to say that anything that could be spared would be greatly appreciated.

All that said, I'm not going to mention that button again. It'll be there in the side bar, but I'm not going to openly 'advertise' it or whatever, after this post. I just wanted to explain that I'm not a sell out, I'm not begging, I'm just recovering and it's taking significantly more time, effort and money than I ever thought it would.

xx. A.

Bits and bobs.

I was going through my blog - updating it for the new year - when I found this draft of a post.. not sure why I never posted it, but it's from about November I believe. None of it is relevant anymore but there's some pretty pictures so I thought I'd make it public.

 ---------------------------------------

So the last few weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. I sleep when I'm tired [which is always, to be honest] so my days kind of smush into eachother and before I know it a whole month has passed! That said though, I'm trying to do more with friends -- life is short and even though I feel like crap right now, I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I spent today alone when I could've done something with someone I loved instead.

Anyway there's no way I could write details about every single social occassion I've been to in the last little while -- I'm not that bored and I'm not that motivated -- instead I have just a little bunch of photos which I think sum it up nicely. =]

xx. A.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.. ?

It's been a bit over a week since I last blogged and I wish I could say it's because I've been off exploring the world, enjoying my days of non-radiation, going to the beach and just having fun.. but honestly, I've been sleeping. I'm so exhausted and I just have no energy to do anything.. I stumble from bed to my desk or the bathroom and I'm already SPENT. It's incredible. I'm working tomorrow so we'll see how that goes, but honestly even with the money in mind I am not looking forward to it at all.

I really did think once I stopped having treatments and it was over, everything would just go back to normal and life would officially be easy again.. how wrong I was. haha! I had a check out today and my doctor said I could expect this to span anywhere between 6 and 12 months and to aim for atleast TWELVE hours of sleep a day.. yeesh.

I'm not complaining though, I know my body is in recovery mode and I'm both grateful and awed that I made it to this point. So, I'll be patient for as long as I can, but Santa if you're out there I'd really love to be healthy for Christmas! Either that, or a MacBook Pro! You know, whatever's easier.

Speaking of Christmas people are finally starting to receive my cards, so if you haven't received yours yet be on the look out over the next few days! I was starting to worry because I sent them out well over 2 weeks ago now, and even with the silly season going on that's just ridiculous.

I'm going to aim to do another Project: Writers [Un]Block post this week, as I'm finally starting to feel the creative juices flowing again now that I'm not getting zapped again on a daily basis, and I've been writing a "people I know" post too which should go up in the next day or two!

Anyway I'm going to cut this short because I really don't have much to say, just wanted to let you all know I'm alive and kicking [more or less].

xx. A.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

I've started to write this entry about 3 times now and I keep tripping over my words or not quite expressing things the way I want to and it's so frustrating. I had my last treatment on Friday [yesterday] -- I'm 'unofficially' in remission. Of course I'll have to wait on some test results to make sure everything is done, but as far as my doctor is concerned [again, unofficially], I'm out of the woods.

I don't know how I feel. Exhausted primarily, but with undertones of pride, happiness, and hope. I was so scared throughout the last four months -- I'm 25, 25 year olds are supposed to have God complexes, fast cars and a drinking problem, not a life endangering illness. I didn't have it as bad as half the people in my group therapy circle, but I felt as though I was most in danger. Surely if I - at such a young age - could manage to be afflicted with something so deadly, it was a sign and I might not make it. I've never been so afraid in my life. Every cough, every rash, every headache felt like I was teetering on the edge.

But I made it. I fought hard and while I felt - so many times - that I couldn't go on, I refused to give up and here I am.

The credit for this doesn't all belong to me, though. I have some fantastic friends and family. People who forced me to have the strength I needed, and when I ran out, lent me theirs. I love you all so much and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay the great debt I owe, but I will try. These are people who have got up in the middle of the night to give me pain medicine, because I couldn't manage it myself. People who have forced me to get to hospital, even on days when it felt like I might have to crawl to make it to the bus stop. People who have cleaned my house and done my laundry. People who have called -- even though they have nothing new to say -- just because they know I'm lonely and need company. People who have been there for late night ranting and crying... I couldn't have asked for a better support network if I tried.

Anyway, looking to the future. I have high hopes. I'm not sure what life holds in store for me, but I will meet whatever it is head held high, knowing there is nothing anyone could throw at me that I can't handle or work through. This blog has been a huge help to me throughout this journey, and now I hope will help me move forward and grow, and heal.

On a slightly less serious note, I have to say: I'm disappointed that 2010 doesn't end in an "ee" sound, so I can't sound cool when I say "Cancer free since 2010".. "Cancer free since 2003" sounds so much cooler. FML. lol.

All my love,
xx. A.

Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ - Part 2.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! ... And while I'm going to be having a broke-ass one, I also lived to see it -- so I'm fairly excited about it. I've been making Christmas cards and listening to terrible Christmas albums, and even I'm putting up my tree today! All in all, I'm feeling very full of the holiday spirit [which is hilarious because not ONE week ago I was a huge grinch].

I feel like it's the perfect time for me to do another Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ post because people are looking for stuff to get for family, or to ask family for! And also I love window shopping, so there is that. Most of the items on this list are inspired by or from Shanalogic -- basically the most adorable store ever. Anyway, lets get to it!

The first thing I found I think would be more suited to the winter months or someone who doesn't live in Freaking Hot Queensland but it's adorable all the same and definitely merits a mention. It's the Dead Kitty Sleep Mask, by Le Neko Noir - omg Squee so cute!

I can just imagine crawling into bed in some cuddly flannell PJs, pulling this baby down over your eyes and falling immediately to sleep. Does that make me super morbid? It just feels like Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with Hello Kitty and these are both things I'm obsessed with, so naturally I'm in love.

The next one really speaks to childhood-me and brings back memories of spending hours on the floor building spaceships and castles and god knows what else [and also memories of stepping on pieces in the middle of the night -- oh my god OW!]. It's the adorable Retro Block Heart Necklace, by SapphireSquares. It comes in red or black but I definitely think the red is way cuter. I also really like that it's on a silver chain -- anyone who has known me for long enough to buy me jewellery will tell you that I think gold looks tacky.. so yah.. Adorable!

Speaking of things that really speak to childhood-me, I think this Happy Rain Cloud Pocket Mirror would be fantastic for any teenage girl relatives [hey I'm 25 and I'd definitely keep it in my bag for makeup touchups and whatnot] you might have, it's so cute and at only $6USD incredibly affordable. This is from the default Shana Logic line.

Another thing I think would be suited to people who don't live in OhMyGodHowIsItSoFreakingHot Queensland but deserves to be here anyway are these adorable Pink Stripey Armwarmers by MTcoffinz. They come in a load of different colours I just prefer the pink ones. I'm a big believer in wearing layers during winter and this would add a perfect little pop of colour to even the dullest wardrobe.

Slightly more expensive and definitely not along the same line, I've been eyeing off the Apple iPad recently. I have an iPhone so some of the services it can offer are fairly redundant, but I still think it would make a perfect gift for almost anyone. The idea of an 'electronic book' has always been an appealing one to me and unfortunately the iPhone screen is simply too small to perform that task effectively, and given that you can get a freaking PIMPED OUT one [64gb with case, keyboard and dock, and insurance] for less than $1000AUD I think it's fantastic value. Also, it's just so pretty. @_@

For myself I think I'd probably prefer just to save for a little bit longer and get the 15" MacBook Pro but I don't think the iPad should be dismissed altogether as a cheaper alternative that can perform most of the same tasks [gaming aside].

I could do this all day, random online windowshopping, but I'm off to the hospital! Today marks the 1-week-until-I-finish-Radiation point so I'm actually really excited to go and get it over with. Happy Christmas shopping to you all and don't forget, if you'd like a Christmas Card from yours truly just leave a comment with your home address [comments are screened so nobody else will see this]. Yay!

xx. A.

No News is Good News.

It's been a while since I've made a blog post [actually, my last few have been pretty poor excuses for blogs] but coming toward the end of my radiation [I finish on Friday the 10th.. so close!] I'm really just so tired. By the time I drag myself in and out of the city everyday I've spent more energy than my body really has to offer. On top of that - as you might recall - I'm recovering from a fairly nasty chest infection which is taking its sweet time going the heck away.

My doctor is fairly happy with my progress and we're doing checkups every second day now to see where I'm at.. which is fantastic because it means 6 hours at a hospital.. yayy..

Life isn't all bad though, I recently had my eyes checked [they were terrible] and thanks to a very generous man in my life was able to get contact lenses, which is something I've dreamed about since I was 15. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think I suit glasses -- I look weird without them to be honest -- but there's a time and a place for them. Things like going out clubbing, swimming, anything where you're hot and sweaty, these are all things you can't really do with glasses as they'll end up getting smudgy or fogged up or smacked against your face by some random drunk person [trust me it happens] and breaking.. I don't plan on wearing them all the time [I got new glasses as well] but I'll definitely be making use of them on weekends or special events, things like that. 

My Christmas Card project is going fairly well. I'm 21 in and still powering on.. You'd never think it was that big a deal, but I'm really not a "real life" social person. Like, I love Facebook and Twitter and email and all that jazz simply because there's no real EFFORT involved.. haha I'm so lazy. If you'd like to receive one of these cards, by the way, feel free to leave a comment with your address -- comments will be screened so nobody but me will see it.

Speaking of Internet, the newest World of Warcraft expansion pack comes out very shortly so I've been dabbling there a bit. I had, for the most part, quit, but the idea of new content and the overall cheapness of entertainment always draws me back in so I'm waiting with baited breath just like 1643894234 million others.

I guess that's really all I have. I haven't been blogging much because honestly, not much has been happening, I'm slowly dragging myself back to health and that requires a whole lot of sleep on my part. Once I'm feeling better I guess this blog will mean something new, it'll mean I made it and it'll be a record of it happening.. but I'm hoping to keep it going and work on the various projects I've started -- P:WuB, People I know, Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™, etc. Anyway stay safe and be happy, I'll be napping! <3

xx. A.

I love presents.

Hello, hello! Just a quick post to say how much I love the Australian Cancer Council and how thankful I am [though it isn't thanksgiving here in Australia] to have their support and love as I make this journey. Every week I go to group therapy sessions which are basically a bunch of us getting together and sharing our experiences, bitching and having a laugh.. It's fantastic and honestly, it's one of the reasons I was able to make it through this whole thing [only 2 weeks of radiation to go!!].

Anyway, yesterday we were all given these huge gift bags for Christmas with candies, chocolate, cards, stickers, bon bons, a random Christmas CD, candy canes, a gift voucher for $150 for groceries.. It was honestly just SO thoughtful and made me so happy.

I'm not usually the kind of person who sends Christmas cards, and in particular this year I had thought I'd be a bit of a Grinch [I'm flat broke and away from my family].. but, inspired by a gorgeous friend of mine, I've decided to make use of the gifts I was so generously given, so I've decided to send Christmas cards this year! If you would like to be a recipient, please either email me [amyluvs AT gmail DOT com] or post a reply to this.. Comments are screened so nobody else will see it - don't worry!

Like I said, just a quick one. Give me your addresses so I can get started!!

xx. A.

Lazy Saturday.

I had a great day. I slept like 11 hours [which is more than I had collectively all week, I think] without waking myself up choking or coughing. It freaking ruled. I feel like I'm finally in the uphill stretch of this chest infection. Still no voice [infact it seems to be even more gone than it was? odd?] but I'm starting to feel a lot less foggy, which is nice.

The Internet went out [thanks iiNet for being so reliable!] about 40 minutes after I woke up, and even though I spend the majority of my time online these days [what else is there to do when you're housebound the way I am most of the time?] it really wasn't that big a deal. I played 11 hours of Pokemon [haha nerd!] and listened to 14 chapters of Harry Potter and I just had a really nice, laid back day.

On the subject of Harry Potter I am reaaaally looking forward to seeing Deathly Hallows. I've read the book about 6 times now and it was probably my second favorite in the series. I haven't always liked what they've done with the movies [leaving cruicial things out, adding things that don't make sense, etc] but I guess it's the same as any book > movie adaptation, changes will be made and nobody will ever be entirely happy about it. Not sure when I'm going to go see it, at this point, but I'm in no rush - I'm sure it'll be in cinemas atleast until the next one comes out. haha! 

I guess I don't really have a lot to say, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm starting to feel a little better. Thank you to everyone who keeps trying to call and give wellwishes, and sorry I keep letting it go to message bank but as I mentioned above, I have literally nothing of a voice left.

Anyway I'm off to bed.. probably to play Pokemon for another hour or so.. need to get my 4th badge!

xx. A.

A night of questions.

I'm finding that -- as my "I'm sick while I'm sick" days go on -- my sleeping schedule is getting even more messed up than it ever has been before. Sometimes I just wont sleep at all because I can't stop coughing, other times I'll sleep 16 hours straight [exhausted after all that coughing and not sleeping]. At any rate, tonight [last night] was looking to be another sleepless one and I found the most fantastic waste of time/way to pass the time.

It's a website called Formspring and basically it's just a platform to ask and answer questions. Some of them are pretty ridiculous but some actually inspired a bit of thought on my part and some careful answers.. I thought, seeing as I spent the night writing [when I intended to blog] I might crosspost a few of the questions that I thought were particularly interesting or thought provoking. Feel free to duck over there and ask anything, also! You can sign up or be completely anonymous, which appears to be something of great appeal to lots of people.

If you had a genie that could grant you three wishes, what would they be? (excludes wishing for more wishes)
This one is hard. I want to believe I'd be selfless and wish for things like world peace, ending world hunger, etc, but honestly with the way my life has gone the last year or so I feel like if I don't give myself the edge, nobody will. Life certainly isn't going to do me any favours.

1. I'd wish for good health for myself and my loved ones. Fantastic health even. I'd never want to experience even the common cold again.

2. Financial security. Not Bill Gates security, but I'd want atleast enough that I could pay out all my and my loved ones debts, buy a house and stuff to fill it and invest the rest and live off the proceeds of that investment if I chose to.

3. Amazing luck. I want to be the kind of person who is always just in the right place at the right time. I want to win random movie tickets, cruises, meet up with friends I didn't know were in town! I'd just want to be a Lucky person -- I feel like that would translate to being a happy person. Also, nothing bad ever happens to lucky people so I feel like this wish is effectively protecting me from anything really terrible, for the rest of my life.

How would you describe your personality?
I have in the past been described as a personality chameleon. I find it very easy to read people and to adjust myself and my personality to reflect what I think they want.

I think a nicer way of putting this is that I'm quite charismatic.

If you were going to be stranded on a desert island and could only bring five things and five people (any era, living or dead), what/who would they be?
People:
- My dad [he's good at building stuff and someone would have to make a shelter]
- Gail [dad would be lonely without her]
- Karen [she's my twin and I'd be bored without her].
- McGuyver [I don't care if he's not real].
- Probably someone random based on what week it was and who I was chatting with a lot at the time.

Stuff:
- A boat.
or, if I wasn't going to be a smartass.
- Waterproof matches.
- Rope.
- A hugeass freaking packet of Nurofen.
- My iPod.
- One of those nifty sun-powered iPod chargers. ;)

What happens to the things you imagine once you forget them?
That's a fantastic question.

I like to think they swim around somewhere in the back of your mind, waiting for you to remember even glimpses of them.. but maybe they're just gone forever. That's a fantastic reason to write everything down, if nothing else.

What are two things standing in your way of writing a book? What are two things pushing you in the right direction of writing a book?
Two things to stop me writing:
- The fear of failure/not completing it/it being really terrible and nobody wanting to read it.. I guess, fear, in general.
- Time. Writing is a huge commitment. I feel like if I had a laptop I'd be more likely to write more often because I wouldn't have to sit down in my office and do nothing else - I could be inspired ANYWHERE. Maybe that's something to add to the wishlist..

Two things pushing me to write:
- My family and their lack-of-acceptance for excuses about why I'm NOT writing a book. <3
- The need to compete with 15-year-old me.

What does fifteen-year-old you have that you don't? What doesn't she have that you do have?
She is blind to the way the world sees her. She believes in her writing with a faith only someone who has never been told "no" can have.

She lacks the experience I have now. The strength of will and determination.

Do you believe in free will, or are we all just puppets of the laws of physics and chemistry etc?
I believe life is like a choose-your-own-adventure Goosebumps book. Everything is pre-written but the decisions you make along the way guide you to one of many pre-decided endings.

So I guess I believe in free-will to a degree. You can decide to go to the beach or not to go to the beach, but the outcome -- either way -- is predertermined and leads to yet another series of decisions that have already been written.


... anyway I thought some of it was interesting. I'm so addicted to this website now, you should go sign up and make an account! Not all the questions have to be deep and hard, it can be fun too, I just picked out the questions and answers that I thought were worth repeating.

xx. A.

3am and she calls me cause I'm still awake...

Last night was fun. I don't really wanna write a post about it but I feel like I've already had to explain it so many times it's just going to be easier to write it here rather than having to recount to everyone over and over.

So anyway last night I woke up at about 2:20am and I couldn't breathe. That's not unusual for me [I've been battling with a chest infection for about a week now] so I -- as calmly as I could -- rushed to the bathroom and ran a steaming hot shower and got under, just letting the water fall on my back. After a minute or two I felt like my airway had opened up a little and I tried to breathe deeper to encourage that.

Big. Mistake.

Almost immediately I started having these coughing spasms which resulted in me bringing up bloody, thick mucus. A heavy flow of it too, I felt like I was choking everytime I'd bring more up because I literally couldn't breathe for the amount of it that was coming up.

This obviously was a bit of a wake up for me and some bells rang in my head and I realised I needed to get my ass to hospital. I climbed out of the shower and got dressed, found some shoes [waking Steven in the process] and headed out.

I'm fairly familiar with my hospital by this point but the emergency ward [and I'm lead to believe, the entire general admissions area] are completely seperate from the radiation unit that I frequent. The nurse couldn't even find me on the computer until she came and got my medicare card and swiped it through her machine. I thought I'd feel a lot more familiar with the whole process than I actually did, so it was nice to know there was someone familiar in the waiting room for me.

The first thing the triage nurse realised and freaked out about [then tried to hide her freaking out'ness -- great poker face there lady] was that my oxygen [de?]saturation levels were waaaay too low, so I spent the first hour or so on a ventilator with pure oxygen trying to fix that.

After that she ran some tests, stuck some sticky things to me [and even now after having a shower I still cant get the sticky residue stuff off my skin], had me blow into like 5 different machines, did a chest xray, sat me on another ventilator with some actually medicated stuff this time which made me jittery as all hell.. until the doctor eventually came back and looked at all my results and basically said, "Yeah your chest infection is reaaaaaaaaaaaal infected, you can go home now".

... AWESOME.  So after lazy doctor lady went away the nurse showed me the xrays and explained that basically my entire left lung was struggling with the infection and that's why I'd been coughing up the bloody mucus and struggling with my breathing and such. She gave me some steroids, some antibiotics and an inhaler [I'm a real geek now!!] and sent me home -- just in time to hit peak hour traffic with everyone going to work, yay! So yeah.. that's my story!

Now I'm just sitting at my computer surrounded by tissues and various medications, sipping at some water and wishing to GOD I could eat some double chocolate ice cream right now.

xx. A.

Sleep.

I've written about it before but at this point I really don't care if I'm repeating myself. Sleep sucks.

I feel like it's this cruel cycle -- I'm getting sicker because I'm not sleeping, but I can't sleep because I'm sick.

I can't lay down flat or my lungs fill up [with gunk, not air, which is what you'd want them to fill up with] and I can't breathe, on top of which they make these terrible noises you can hear from the next room so I have to all but sit up [which is fun, by the way, with only 1 pillow - I've been using my dressing gown as an additional prop]. IF -- and that's a huuuuuuge if, by the way -- I manage to get in a position where my body can even comprehend sleep I end up coughing myself awake before I even pass the 'dozing' stage. I'm constantly running these insane temperatures so I'll just break into a flopsweat from time to time which is fantastic when I literally only own one set of sheets.

It's funny because I've spent so much time in bed the last four or five days, but if I added it up I'd guess I've slept maybe 6 hours? Don't get me wrong, I was there with the intention of sleep and my eyes have been closed [for the most part], it's just.. not happening.

I feel almost delerious at this point, to be honest. I'm at the point where I've had just bits and pieces of sleep -- almost, like glimpses of sleep through a mirror -- and my body is already so exhausted and working so hard trying to handle the radiation and breaking down the cancer and then my chest infection on top of that, that a lack of sleep is just sending me into a tailspin.

The worst part of all this is I've lost my voice - it's literally gone. All I have is a squeak at the end of some words. I'd never really and truly lost my voice before so it was really funny for me the first day or two but now it's just frustrating.

Anyway, I'm handling it. I always handle it. I just thought I'd duck my head in here and let you all know I'm still alive. I was planning on waiting until I got better to start writing again because my head is so mushy and I didn't want to be subjecting the internet to my current state, but I think at this point it's clear I'm not going to get better anytime soon so I'm back for better or for worse, and I apologize in advance for rambling or terrible posts that come as a result of that.

xx. A.

Not really an update.

Hi, my chest infection is getting worse so I probably won't be updating much this week [despite my promise to update more this week than I did last week]. =[ I've been sleeping an average of 15 hours a day at the moment which isn't bad since I'm out of the house around 10 hours of the day.

I'll be back when I'm better.

xx. A.

Inspiration from odd places.

I've been sick for about a week now [on top of being sick, that is]. It's just a cold -- I'm not going to die from it or anything -- but it definitely feels like it. My immune system is so fried from my treatment that adding anything on top just.. isn't fair. I'm exhausted - even more tired than I ever thought possible, my nose runs like a kitchen faucet, my eyes and head hurt all the time and it feels as though my brain is too big for my skull [which we KNOW isn't true. haha], I ache everywhere just in general.. and yeah.. =]! Fun times! In good news I'm starting to feel a bit better so hopefully next week won't suck quite so bad.

Given my sickness, I've been spending a lot of time in bed catching up on TV shows [I have a habit of going weeks without watching and then having like 5 episodes of 6 different shows to watch], watching movies I got months ago and never quite got around to viewing, and playing my fair share of video games. I've also finished my second audiobook and I'm onto The Return of the King! Tolkien is a god.

My god I can get distracted -- ANYWAY -- I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which one of the characters has had a messy break up and the rest of the gang are trying to get her to delete the Ex's number from her phone. During this conversation/arguement they're all faced with numbers/peoples/memories they've kept in their phones for long past their due date and all, eventually, more or less move past it.

I felt an odd connection to this episode and I watched it twice [which anyone who knows me will tell you is strange, I very rarely watch even a movie more than once, much less TV shows] to try figure out why. At the end of the episode - reluctantly - I opened my phone contacts list and just.. started deleting. I went from a phone book of 74 contacts to just over 20 [and this includes a large quantity of doctors, different areas of the hospital, etc so I don't have to be constantly transferred around]. It shocked me once I was done and I was very careful not to stop and count how many were left until I got to the Z's incase I chickened out and had a half-clean half-terrible phonebook.

It's funny, but there were people in there I literally haven't spoken to in years - for so long that they've moved house/state/COUNTRY EVEN and I don't even know if that number is still their number - and yet I kept it 'just in case'. I'm talking ex boyfriends, old real estate agencies, taxi numbers for 2 different states and 4 different towns [lol!], 'friends' who I'd rather die than speak to again.. the list goes on and on. There were even a few in there listed as "Firstname, PubIMetThemAt". I've never, ever called these people or spoken to them again after the night I met them but some of those numbers have been in my contact list for long enough that they transferred phones when I got my current phone TWO YEARS AGO.

I feel so liberated! It's so fantastic to open my phone book to call someone and only have to scroll to the letter their name is listed under, not then have to search through a myriad of people I can barely remember to find the person I actually want to speak to. I highly recommend it! I'm sure I've deleted numbers I'll use again but I figure that's what google or yellowpages is for and the only other problem I can foresee is that now the people whose numbers I kept specifically to avoid the calls of [cringe!!] are free to harrass me once more.. I figure that's easily solved by letting private numbers or numbers I don't have listed go to voicemail, though.

In summary, I felt very inspired and even though I feel like warmed up poop I still feel inspired. =] I can't wait to feel better so my brain can be less mushy and I can get back on track with Project: Writers [Un]Block and my various other blog projects. On a side note - please don't get offended if your calls go to voice mail - mass deletion will always have one or two numbers go by accident and it's easy enough to fix. <3 <3

xx. A.

Just an update.

I have a bunch of little bits and pieces to write about today so don't expect anything fantastic or structured or anything more than just a regular blog. I was going to do a Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ post yesterday but I only have 3 things in it so far so I'm keeping it in my drafts until I find a few more things I think rule.

Most importantly I guess, I'm doing really well the last week or so. I've been more energetic than I have been the entire one and a half months. I feel more sick (headaches, living in the bathroom etc) but I feel like I've got more of a handle on it than I ever have before. So, that's awesome!

I've started being a little more active, visiting with friends and going into the city when I don't feel like death. People keep saying that I'm pushing it but I think I need to do it or I just might go crazy. Honestly even if it's just for a few hours, having a shower and doing my hair and putting on makeup like a normal person makes me feel a million times better. Fun, incredibly gross fact: when you know people don't expect you to be well presented and wont care if you've washed your hair in a week, you just.. stop doing it. Particularly if you're already feeling depressed. Anyway. That stuff aside!

Ultimately, I made the decision not to do NaNoWriMo. My reasons were many but what it came down to was I've only just started to enjoy writing again -- I didn't want to push myself to need to write 1666 words a day and halfway through the month just give up and never write again. I feel pretty bad cause I encouraged a few people to do NaNoWriMo and now they're going to be doing it by themselves, but I figure I write here fairly often and they can still talk to me with plot-holes or frustrations or anything like that, so it's not really THAT bad.

I've made tentative plans to visit home once my treatment finishes - at the moment it's looking like it'll be from the 17th until the 21st of December but is completely subject for change until the tickets have been purhcased so don't quote me on that or make any plans that can't be altered!

In not-really-important-news or not-news-at-all news, a friend got me Civilization 5 as a get well present and I am so addicted. It's like combining my 3 favorite games -- the Sims, turned based roleplay and WoW -- to become this incredible addictive black hole where I never want to log off and realise it's 4am and I've been playing all night only because the sun has just come up.

I guess that's it for the night, I'll have another Project: Writers [Un]Block up sometime this week, I'm really enjoying reading the things some of you have come up with on your blogs or sent to me through email so definitely keep it up!

xx. A

The Pail List.

I went to lunch today with my gorgeous ladies Karlee and Vicki and it was so fantastic. I hadn't realised how much I missed going outside and just having fun and being social. It's funny because most days I absolutely dread the idea of going outside as it means I'm about to go sit in a hospital for X amount of hours and be bored out of my mind and then come home feeling like a zombie and possibly get hit by a bus in my radiation induced haze [note: this hasn't happened yet but I feel like it might! haha!].

It really wasn't anything special, Karlee and I drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find parking, we ate at a midrange chinese restaurant, we laughed and we talked and it was just .. so.. great. I felt normal like I haven't felt in months. Nobody was tiptoe'ing around me being sick, we talked about normal stuff like how much we hate nazi bosses and boys and slutty friends and just.. stuff! I am in such a great mood. =]

 I've decided I'm going to write a little "To-do" list of stuff I want to do once I'm better, or maybe even attempt before I get better [I already have one or two things in mind]. There are a few bigger items that obviously will take years maybe to accomplish, but some of them are fairly simple and I'm sure some people will find fairly amusing or stupid, but damnit, this is my party/list and I'll cry/be lame if I want to! Anyway, without further ado.

The Pail List  [the bucket list is so overused]

1. Go on a SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ & be a total RadioNazi™ & demand other roadtrippers only listen to the carefully prepared & structured SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ playlist I have designed.
2. Bribie Island for a day of photography and cocktails [optional] and fun!
3. Honest to God clubbing. I've lived in Brisbane for nearly 11 months now and I have not hit an actual 'club' in the City yet. This is abysmal and must be rectified, ASAP.
4. SushiTrain with Karen! We've only been talking about it for like a billion weeks.
5. Complete NaNoWriMo.
6. Finish reading my Sara Douglass books. Poor Sara, she must think I hate her.
7. Learn to play Guitar. My poor little baby has been sitting in the back of the closet for far too long!
8. Buy a stock.. or some stocks. How does that even work? I want to find out!
9. Go whale or dolphin watching! I went dolphin watching when I was super young and it was soooo amazing, I want to go on one of those ones where they have the net off the back of the boat and you can reach out and touch them.
10. Buy a house. Not an apartment, as I'd previously assumed I'd settle into one day [outside and I have an agreement - I don't bother it and it doesn't bother me.. and apartments come without yards so this always seemed ideal]. I think a house is more likely to eventually feel like a home, though. And I really want a home.

Hmm.. Only 10 items so far, but I'll continue to add to it as I think on it. A few of them are completely accomplishable while I'm sick so Karen I'll be hitting you up for a trip to SushiTrain ASAP and Karlee you and I are on the road again [I can't wait to get on the road again!]. Honestly, I just feel so much better even thinking about doing things. I am so sick to death of being a goddamned indoor kitty! haha.

xx. A.

Just another manic Monday.

I feel like Garfield everytime I write anything about Mondays and how much I hate them. Even if I don't mean all Mondays and just that particular Monday at all, it just feels as though I'm being so incredibly cliche and so, inevitably, I end up backspacing and leaving it be.

Yesterday, however, was a pretty tough day so I'm not going to backspace. I got my lab results back from last week and in the four weeks that I've been having treatment there has only been a 4% reduction which pretty much means it will definitely be going for the full 12 weeks and not the 8 I had hoped for.

I'm disappointed, I won't lie. I'm struggling -- but I'll manage. I have thus far, and even though I feel as though I am as stretched as thin as I can possibly go, I'm sure there's 8 more weeks in me, somewhere.

xx. A.

Just bloggin'.

So yesterday marked the four week mark of my treatment which means I am officially one third [or possibly half, but it's not looking too good] of the way through. I'm feeling really good about that because -- I'll be honest -- I've been struggling. I missed my first treatment this week and while I feel like I was justified [I'm getting a cold I think and I've been really rough this week with the cuddling the toilet all night instead of sleeping, etc] I still felt like I was letting everyone who keeps telling me they 'believe in me' down.

It's 6:03am and I've been awake since around 2:45, I actually got a pretty decent sleep compared to the last few days so I'm fairly happy about that. I'm hoping to meet a friend for lunch today but whether or not I manage that remains to be seen.

In unrelated news, I'm thinking of cutting bangs in again. My hair has gotten super long and I really want to keep growing it but I have the 'cutting itch' at the moment and I figure it's better to just cut my fringe than to cut it all off which is what would end up happening if I got a 'real' hair cut. Also, I think sidebangs suits me [when I can be bothered styling them and not just tossing them back in bobbypins but lets be honest I put my hair back in the 'pouffe' style regardless so it's not like it would really make that much of a difference] and I've delved into the depths of my computer to give to you these photos, for judgement!

As you can see, as of recently it's gotten really long but it also tends to remain more-or-less unstyled since there isn't anything you can do with hair once it passes your shoulders. It gets heavy and really a pain in the ass to manage, so it tends to either just go into a ponytail, stay out and look really unkempt, or be pinned back like in the last photo. I also really love red hair on me and I wish I could afford to dye it again, stupid being sick! haha!

To completely hop to yet another topic [I get very random when I'm sleep deprived] the newest Questionable Content had me in stitches for literally 5 minutes. I'm not sure if it's because I know quite a few geeky guys of my own or what the deal is, but yeah I really do love Angus and think he's adorable and that comic is just so so hilarious.

Anyway I'm going to go shower now and attempt to make myself energized enough to leave the house today.

xx. A.

Rambling.

Sleep is one of those things. I can sit up all night yawning and putting it off because it's too early and I don't want to be awake at buttcrack in the morning.. and then finally - hours later, at a decent time of night - lay down, comfortable in my little nest of pillows and blankets and stuffed toys.. only to find that sleep will not come.

Tonight is one of those nights.


xx. A.