This post is pretty much just going to be me whinging about stuff that sucks so if you don't care, go ahead and stop reading right now cause I'm too upset and sick to give a damn enough to filter myself at the moment. I was going to post this as private but I decided I don't care -- I'm not going to be Miss Positive Patty all the freaking time and it isn't fair to expect it from me.
In extreme contrast to my previous post, my cold has developed into a chest infection. I went from starting to feel better to having a constant tightness of my lungs that means if I accidentally breathe in too hard or fast at some point [basically anything beyond shallow-enough-to-be-dead] I get thrown into this wicked coughing fit. And my coughing has scratched my throat up so bad that it's raw and occassionally I'll cough red up so it's obviously bleeding [don't worry I saw the doctor today - he came to that conclusion, I don't have aids or something terrible that is shown by bloody coughs].
I'm running a fever so high that I am constantly sweating. If you put a towel against my face for a minute or two you can pull it away and the towel will be warm. I feel like my eyes are boiling. I've been taking panadol to try and lower it and I take cold showers like 3 times a day and nothing works. I drink a billion litres of water a day -- no change. I feel like I'm on fire.
In addition to that, I have a freaking monster of a headache that just will not go away and every time I cough my head throbs like my brain is trying to explode out of my skull and it makes me dizzy. I went to the optometrist because my doctor couldn't find anything wrong [other than the chest infection] and said that eyesight issues can often lead to ongoing headaches and she confirmed that not only do I need new glasses but my NEW prescription is 3.5 times the strength of my current one. Basically I've been walking around with useless pieces of glass on my face cause they weren't doing anything but making the situation worse -- the chick told me that I am literally only TWO steps from being classified as legally blind without glasses. AWESOME.
So I explained I'm strapped for cash at the moment [barely making rent and living on the barest of minimums] and asked if I could just replace the lenses and keep my current frames -- I figured frames were the expensive part, right? Wrong. Apparently when you have a prescription as strong as mine the lenses are just as expensive and I'm looking at $350. $350 which I don't have. $350 which unless I spend, will be the reason I have a splitting headache for the rest of this treatment. Seriously, I want to stab a puppy. Or step on it. Ok, maybe just glare at it a bit.
On top of everything I'm just feeling so angry and sad and let down and emotional today. I'm trying to be very calm and I not only went to my individual councelling session today but I went to the group one as well and I'm probably not going to murder anyone anymore but I'm still SO FREAKING EMOTIONAL and I want to cry but when I do that my tears are so hot because of aforementioned rage and fever that it feels like my eyes might fall out and so I'm just sitting here biting my fucking lip and hoping to step out infront of a bus tomorrow.
I obviously wouldn't do that but I'm just feeling so sick and so helpless and all I want to do is eat a huge bowl of ice cream and feel better, but to make things even AWESOMER my lactose intollerance got really bad when I started radiation and it has slowly gotten to the point where I literally cannot eat anything with dairy products in it or I'll start spewing and have mad stomach aches to the point where I'm doubled over in pain and cant move for hours.
I'm sick of everything today and I hate everyone.
It's funfunfun here in Amyland.
Fuck everything.
A.
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