Emokid post of the month.

Being single is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is freaking insane. Either that or they've never been in a real relationship before to understand what it is they're missing.

Even the worst of relationships have things that - once they're over - will be missed. The way she cooked scrambled eggs, for example, or the way he made you feel comfortable about yourself even if you hadn't showered in days and were wearing some grungy pajamas with a hole in the thigh. It's things like that that you never really let go of, the small things.

Smaller than that, even.. Having someone to chat to after a long day at work, a friendly face at the end of the day, not having to make every decision on your own, not eating every dismal meal from a box especially designed for pathetic lonely people such as yourself. Knowing someone will always tell you you look fantastic even when you don't. Having someone who will make exceptions for you, because you are you and they don't need any reason other than that.

I am so incredibly grateful to K&N for letting me stay with them because honestly I don't think I could handle living alone right now. I'm a fairly self sufficient person and I like my space and my "me time", but I'm slowly going insane due to an abundance of "me time".  I find myself doing things like immediately folding laundry once it's out of the dryer or actually CLEANING my room by choice rather than necessity. Anything that will distract from the pit of cold that sits at the bottom of my stomach, clenching and unclenching.

Things like grocery shopping, which I used to do online rather than going to the store myself, have become hours-long activities that I look forward to.. which is amusing really, since for the most part all I ever come home with is frozen meals for one and Coke Zero.

I'm lonely, I guess. And I never noticed it so much before but living alone [more or less] really hammers it home. I do have K&N but unless they specifically invite me to spend time with them I try not to intrude. They're like, the perfect couple - all wrapped up in an adorable pink love-bubble and I almost feel as though I'm stealing from them anytime I take any of their time that could have otherwise be spent with one another. Don't get me wrong, neither of them act that way, it's just a weird paranoia or something I guess. I'm bad at being the third wheel.

Which is amusing really, since I spent what, 3 years being Bec and Sali's third wheel? I guess - like I said - you don't really know what you're missing until you've experienced it yourself.. nowadays when I'm around couples I just want to either a. strangle them or b. get the hell away.

I really need to start getting back into my writing as I hear having a hobby is "the go" for painfully single women who don't want to become crazy cat ladies [I'm really much more of a dog person :(].

Anyway it's about bedtime, I think. This has been another emokid post by yours truly!

xx. A.

Brain goo at 1am.

I've started writing for my blog about 5 times in the last two weeks but I always get caught up in the first 2 paragraphs or so. Something wont flow properly, or will sound stupid, or I'll sit here worrying about what someone will think about me if they read it, so I'll just backspace the whole thing. Tsk! Gone are the days of old where I'd sit in a darkened room, sipping a cruiser and listening to music from Final Fantasy, spewing my mindless opinions out to the world and expecting it to react as though I'd handed over gold.

Anyway, it's late/early. I made the mistake of drinking a Coke Zero at about 8pm with dinner. I didn't realise it was as late as it was, and now I'm AWAKE. It's hilarious how much caffeine effects me, sometimes I wish I didn't absolutely abhor the smell of coffee so that I could actually attempt to drink it and see how wired I got. haha! 

I'm listening to Vanessa Carlton at the moment. I've been going through this 'older music' phase - and when I say older, I mean 5-10 years ago older, not "The Beatles" older. I apologise if I've disappointed anyone out there. I feel as though music played a huge part in shaping who I am today, and as I go through my collection I'm shocked to find artists who I absolutely loved and felt as though they were writing from my very SOUL when I heard their songs.. who I've not listened to for years.

I've been drafting an entry for a few weeks now - music/artists that have influenced my life.. I think I'll put a real effort in to finishing that tomorrow night. 

Tomorrow afternoon I'm going out for lunch and shopping with Karlee. I'm quite excited cause we haven't hung out in ages and we've got soooo much to catch up on. She's about to close a deal on her first HOUSE at the moment, and god knows what other exciting stuff that I've missed cause I fail at being social. 

Speaking of being social, I've been REALLY in the mood to go dancing lately. I've been listening to "Born This Way" almost on repeat for the last week and it really pumps me up. I think I've got more than 100 plays on itunes and that's after only acquiring it last Sunday.. insane. But yeah, I think a clubbing night is somewhere in the near future cause I need somewhere to wear one of my nice dresses and also somewhere to just let go and get some RELEASE.

I feel like I have a constant tension headache these days, cause my life is so up in the air. I'm staying in a friends spare room and my current job is a temporary deal.. Arrrggh! I need a massage! 

Anyway, after this nice little spew of stream of consciousness, I think I'm going to go and attempt to force myself to sleep. . seeing as I need to wake up in 7 hours. Goodnight Moon.

xx. A.

Captains Log, Stardate 43198.7.

I'm really not sure where to start today, it's been a while since I've actually done a journal-format blog and it seems it is incredibly easy to fall out of practice! 

Life has been such a rollercoaster the last few weeks I really don't know where to start. It's incredible.

- I started sleeping REALLY badly.. I'd hear a bump in the night and that was it, no more sleep for me. I was averaging around 2 hours sleep a night. It was rough.

- My job contract was coming to a close.

- I'd applied for another job in the same building which I thought I had a fairly good chance of getting but was passed over for it.

- Money was tight, I didn't get paid one week because of a fail at paperwork.

... just a culmination of all those things AND more meant I was slowly getting more and more depressed. But suddenly it was as though I hit an upswing and BAM! -

- The job I'd applied for became available again and was I was picked!

- I went to dogsit at a friends house and suddenly I could sleep again, convincing myself that it was the dogs who made any weird noises I heard.

- I lost 5kgs since the start of this month!

- Karen and Neil got back [yay!] and brought me an AWESOME Captains hat from on their cruise ship. It is 12:15am and I have still yet to take it off. Best. Hat. Ever.

- Pokemon Black and White came out finally! Aaaah I'm such a geek.

.. Anyway I realise that's not actually a lot of good things but honestly just the job thing has made me feel as though this immense weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's a fairly short contract - only two months-ish - but there's a chance of extension and it's a learning experience so it will make my resume look much more attractive. On top of that, it means I can stay in Brisbane!! I had almost resigned myself to the fact I'd be returning to Sydney with my tail between my legs in the near future, and while I would dearly love to spend some time with James, I really wanted to make this work.

So yeah.. life is good right now. There's still lots of stress and uncertainty, but I can say at the very least, this has been a good week and I am sleeping so much more soundly for it.

I can't be bothered typing anymore cause I kinda wanna go sleep [seeing as I can do it now!] so here's a photo montage of the last few weeks! Not even a little bit in order cause I cbf.. 

xx. A

10 Reasons I Suck At Being A Girlfriend

Lots of people commented that the man I described in my last post didn't exist - that he was perfect and I expect too much and surely I don't think I'M that perfect.

I don't expect that any one man will fulfil criteria 1-10, and I know that even if he did the chances of him wanting to be with ME would be incredibly slim since I don't tick all those boxes, myself. I figured maybe I would make a post to show that I don't think I'm perfect - I know I have flaws. The last post was just a bit of a laugh, something to think about, you know?

Anyway, no holds barred, here we go:



10 Reasons I Suck At Being A Girlfriend

1. I'm a firm believer in double standards [mine, not yours].

2. I'm incredibly self conscious. Don't try to play or joke around about my looks or my personality or my job, my life, anything really, because I will take it personally and we will fight. That said, it's perfectly okay for me to make fun/play tease about your life/job/looks/penis. See point one for detail.

3. I hate conflict. I will flat out ignore you to avoid having an argument. That said, if you push me too far and keep nagging/yelling/talking it will eventually tip me over the edge, I'll lose control and yell and become completely unreasonable.

4. I hate sharing a bed. I like to sleep cocooned up in the blankets, completely tucked in on all sides. This isn't possible when sharing a bed with someone. I also like to sleep on my side, cuddling a pillow. The pillow cannot be replaced with a person. If I can't sleep exactly as described, I'll be ... crabby.

5. I'm the opposite of a housewife. I hate to cook, I abhor cleaning, I don't take any pride whatsoever in the presentation of my home. In my last apartment I had lived there for over a year and never hung a single photo or made a single attempt to personalise the house whatsoever. A house is somewhere you go after work to eat and sleep, nothing more.

6. Most of my friends are guys. I don't see a problem with that. I'm naturally a fairly flirty person so sometimes a guy will get the wrong idea and develop feelings for me. I won't stop talking to them, I'll just wait for them to get over it. I will get shitty at you if you bring this up. All that said, I will be incredibly uncomfortable with you having female friends. Please see point one for detail.

7. I love my family. My family will always be more important than you ever could be. I will always prioritise them over you.

8. I will ignore you until I want attention, and at that point, I want it immediately. I will expect you to drop whatever you are doing in order to spend time with me, until I get bored at which point you can feel free to leave. Immediately.

9. I dislike being touched. I can handle the occasional hug but don't try to hold my hand or snuggle up to me. Don't invade my personal space, it's very important to me.

10. I'm never wrong. Anything that ever goes wrong is your fault. You started every argument. You caused every conflict. You left the light on. You didn't lock the door. Etc, etc.



So there you have it. There's lots of things I cut out because they overlapped other reasons, but mostly I just think 10 is a good number for "reasons" posts. If I was going to put just one more in there I'd probably have "11. I know all of the above and I don't make any real attempt to change it/improve". Which, lets face it, is worse than having all of those faults in the first place.

Anyway, I'm home sick with a head cold [again -- damn you terrible immune system] so I'm going to curl up and watch some TV or maybe do some reading/get some sleep. Hope you're all well!

xx. A.

The Perfect Man.

So I'm staying at a friends house while I try to figure out what to do with myself, and she's currently on a 2 week cruise [I know, right? Some people live in fantasy worlds!]. I don't really like being alone, I'm scared of the dark and it's not really a place I'm comfortable in yet, so I've been watching lots of Movies/TV in place of reading, simply because the background noise makes me more comfortable.

Anyway yesterday I watched "The Ugly Truth" which - aside from having Izzy [or Katherine Heigl or whatever her real name is] playing YET another character who is essentially EVERY OTHER CHARACTER SHE HAS EVER PLAYED - was not an altogether waste of time. I quite literally laughed out loud at various points which rarely happens with movies or TV [I admit it, my lol's are usually exaggeration].  The character Izzy plays is a neurotic control freak and has a list of traits a man must possess in order for her to be interested. I'm far from a neurotic control freak but I thought it was an interesting idea, not only that but one of my high school journals contained a similar list so I thought it was probably time to update that!

Please keep in mind that none of this is targeted at anyone. The commentary is generalised and if you're reading through thinking "oh my god is she talking about me?! does she think I'm pathetic?!" the answer is no, I'm not talking about you but if you continue to be so paranoid, then maybe, I might think you're pathetic. =P



The Perfect [or at least datable] Partner

1. Be smart. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I need someone who is both intelligent and educated. Things like the differences between "your" and "you're", and "there", "their" and "they're" MATTER. Oh and for the LOVE of god, be well spoken. Accents make me go on a murderous rage. I know you can't help where you were born, but the word is "driving" not "drivin", "MonDAY" not "Mundee" and "my" not "me" [except the obvious times when it's 'me'.. but still, you get my point].

2. Have a sense of humour similar to my own. The only place I should ever need to censor myself is at work - and honestly, even THAT blows. I don't want someone I need to 'behave' around or someone who won't get my particular brand of 'lols'.

3. Non smoker, non coffee drinker. Unfortunately this is mandatory. The smell of both of these make me think of my childhood, and frankly, nauseous.

4. Be headed somewhere. Career vs Job. I don't have a problem with someone slumming it in their teens or while they finish uni. But I think there comes a point where you need to make an active decision to become an adult and move into "career" mode. I don't want to rent my house forever, and my future partner working at Woolworth's as a trolley boy is something that would hold me back from actualising that dream. [I feel like I shouldn't have to say it, but have a full time job - I don't want or need someone to support me, but I don't expect to need to support you, either. Not only that but what kind of example are you setting by living at home and letting your parents support you? How do I know you CAN be a man if you've never done anything but be a child?].

5. Have GOALS. I don't care if it's to own your own business, build a house, have a family, build a time machine.. whatever. But be working toward something. I want someone who thinks beyond "work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, get drunk on weekend".

6. Have similar interests to my own. No relationship will last if the only common ground you have is the sex.

7. On that note, don't suck at the sex part. Sorry, but if I'm tying myself to someone for the rest of my life, this is important.

8. Be independent. I want a partner, not a child. Of course I want to spend time with you, but I want to know that if I don't feel like going out one weekend you'll just go out with friends or find something else to do, rather than raging up and pouting at me.

9. Be confident. Not jerk level confident - just, "confident and sexy" confident. Whiney needy people are the opposite of appealing.

10. Be understanding of my dysfunction. I'm crazy, I admit it now. I have all kinds of flaws and double standards. I'm willing to try and work on them, but sometimes there's not a lot I can do to contain my crazy, so you need to make a few allowances.



I'm sure as soon as I submit that I'll think of 10 more things to add to that list, or to edit into pre-existing traits. But anyway, Amy out!

xx. A.