People always say you should write what you know and so the first few of my P: W[u]B entries will probably be fiction based on real life, and I apologize for that but it's hard enough jumping back into the deep end of writing without doing it wearing platforms and with an iron belt about your waist.
That said, I give you...
Topic #212 - The Human Zoo.
The almost nasal beeping sound as I step onto the bus and swipe my card is what snaps me out of my morningtime haze. It is 6:45am and I've been awake for exactly 17 minutes -- previous to that I'd been asleep for roughly 3 hours, so I'm finding consciousness an effort to say the very least.
As I move down the aisle I eye up my possible seat mates carefully -- this is a choice I will have to live with for the next 35 minutes and is one I have oft regretted by the end of my journey. In the first seat, directly behind the driver is a shrivelled woman with greying hair that is gathered into a loose bun at the nape of her neck. She sits huddled forward -- though I cannot tell if this is by choice or nature -- clutching her gigantic purse [which even I, fashionless though I may be, cringe a little to behold (on the inside, mind, making faces at strangers on the bus is something I have LONG since learned not to do)] to her person, fingers digging into the almost carpet-like material as though she fears I might snatch it up at any moment. I dismiss this seat and continue down the aisle.
About 3 seats from the back door there is another free seat, though the person occupying the other half of it is sitting on the aisle side, with his coat next to him. His chin is lifted with self importance and I can see a very fancy looking briefcase between his very fancy looking shoes. I have almost made it down the aisle to him and there is a line of people behind me who need seats too, and yet he does not move. His arms are folded as if to challenge any one of us to ask him to move, and though he is a thin man [probably quite tall, from the way his knees are jammed uncomfortably into the seat in front of him] I feel intimidated by him. If that wasn't enough to make me walk by him and find another seat, he ignorantly turns his head - his gaze now directed out the window. I almost giggle at his pompous ass as I continue down the aisle.
As I have passed the halfway point of the bus, it is now -- apparently -- 'cool' for school kids to sit here and I find that I am climbing over sports bags, tennis rackets and instrument cases, to make my trek more interesting the bus has now pulled away from the stop. It's peak hour traffic so the constant stop-starting means I have to cling to the seats as I make my way through the menagerie of screaming, swearing snot-factories.
Finally I spy a seat to the left, 2 seats from the back. I sidestep over a case that must surely contain a Viola or something of that size before pivoting on one foot and plonking down in the available space. I'm not picky enough to stand for 35 minutes until I get to work and as far as I can tell there are no other free seats from this point onward. I take a moment to arrange my skirt and fix my jacket so it doesn't trail on the ground and it is in that moment that I feel my heart drop to my chest. My nose twitches -- once, and then again -- and suddenly it is upon me. A stench that must surely have climbed from the depths of hell! My throat tightens and I have to make a real effort not to dry wretch. I turn to my right, slowly [for there is fear in my heart] and behold my seat-mate.
Like something out of a horror film she sits, from her muddy gumboot-clad feet to her birdsnest-esque hair, shovelling something brown and chunky into her vast, toothless mouth. I'm not sure if it is her or her meal that reeks of death and hopelessness and everything that is foul and unholy in this world but I turn immediately to face the front of the bus -- as though not seeing her might make the smell slightly less overpowering.
I sit like this, frozen, my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands, swallowing hard every few seconds for what feels like years. I look at my phone -- 6:51am.
I exhale, hard, and turn to glance out the window on the other side of the bus. We're about to pull into the last stop before exiting onto the Busway -- from there it's a straight shot into the city. I think I can do this, I think to myself -- and as though to argue with that thought, from beneath me I feel the seat vibrate and hear a slow, drawn out squeak. I turn to the abomination next to me, my jaw dropping uncontrollably -- I grew up in a house with 3 brothers and even I am horrified by what has just happened. I realise my mistake and my mouth closes so quickly and fast that my jaw aches. Even being late to work is not worse that this, I decide in a heart beat and grab my bag from the ground beside me, stumbling clumsily over the mountain of children-crap and not even bothering to buzz my card in my haste.
As I step off the bus I take a long, drawn out breath -- savouring the sweet smell of trees and cars and the suburbs. I swing my bag over my shoulder and move toward the seating area, sighing to myself as I eye up my first possible seatmate...
xx. A
Thursday, October 28
Tuesday, October 26
P: W[u]B! - Entry 1.
Topic #367- Discuss the effect of fear on your life.
I have feared many things.
I have feared the dark, heights, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, men who raise their voices, the ocean [or more specifically not being able to see what's in there], dogs outside of their owners yards and spiders of any shape, size or origin. I have feared being different, flying, being forgotten, falling in love - and in turn - being loved. I have feared growing attached, growing comfortable. I have feared consequences.
I have feared doctors, hospitals, test results. I have feared pain. I have feared death.
Because of fear I have ended relationships, partnerships, friendships.
Because of fear I sleep with a nightlight, or door open.
Because of fear I am reluctant to meet new people, to try new things.
Because of fear I backspace more than I type - it feels - and struggle to express myself.
I have feared many things, but I try not to let it stop me from doing what needs to be done [for very long, anyway...]. Fear is something that can either paralyse, or motivate. Fear is something that needs to be grabbed by the balls and owned, because otherwise it takes control and once that happens it's so much harder to gain the upper hand.
Fear is necessary -- like pain. Fear is there to tell you to be careful because something could go wrong. But again, like pain, fear can trigger an overreaction. Fear is a factor in my life - but a minor one, the same as considering the weather and taking an umbrella before I leave the house if it's cloudy outside.
... for all my ranting about how fear being necessary but needs to be controlled, I'm never ever ever going outside in the dark by myself. Ever. iPhone flashlight application for life!
xx. A.
I have feared many things.
I have feared the dark, heights, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, men who raise their voices, the ocean [or more specifically not being able to see what's in there], dogs outside of their owners yards and spiders of any shape, size or origin. I have feared being different, flying, being forgotten, falling in love - and in turn - being loved. I have feared growing attached, growing comfortable. I have feared consequences.
I have feared doctors, hospitals, test results. I have feared pain. I have feared death.
Because of fear I have ended relationships, partnerships, friendships.
Because of fear I sleep with a nightlight, or door open.
Because of fear I am reluctant to meet new people, to try new things.
Because of fear I backspace more than I type - it feels - and struggle to express myself.
I have feared many things, but I try not to let it stop me from doing what needs to be done [for very long, anyway...]. Fear is something that can either paralyse, or motivate. Fear is something that needs to be grabbed by the balls and owned, because otherwise it takes control and once that happens it's so much harder to gain the upper hand.
Fear is necessary -- like pain. Fear is there to tell you to be careful because something could go wrong. But again, like pain, fear can trigger an overreaction. Fear is a factor in my life - but a minor one, the same as considering the weather and taking an umbrella before I leave the house if it's cloudy outside.
... for all my ranting about how fear being necessary but needs to be controlled, I'm never ever ever going outside in the dark by myself. Ever. iPhone flashlight application for life!
xx. A.
Project: Writers [un]Block!
I'm a book person. I've always been a book person. From the time I was old enough and strong enough to hold it up, I'm told, I've had my nose stuck in one. I live vicariously through the characters in the worlds my favorite authors [really, ANY authors.. I'll read anything] have created and for hours at a time, everything else ceases to exist.
When I was younger, if you'd asked me or anyone who knew me what I wanted to be, I/they would've replied either "a Vet" or "a Writer".. and honestly the Vet thing was a phase that passed as soon as I realised I had to do more than just play with the fuzzy animals and occassionally there'd be blood [eww!] involved. For years I was involved in Roleplay and Writing Clubs, I shunned the outside -- content with the world I and my friends had created from nothing but text and our imagination. I lived and breathed these characters, I knew my favorite characters responses to any question even better than I knew my own, really.
I would stay up, night after night, living on 2-3 hours sleep just so that I could push my creativity a little further. I wrote at school during lunch, I wrote during classes that were not designed for writing [sorry maths class, you suck!], I wrote on the bus on the way home. Half of what I wrote was garbage, but it just came so freely and easily that I could just cut out the bad bits later, if I even bothered to edit something old instead of just writing something completely new.
Somewhere along the way though I got lost. I found "real life" friends, I became interested in parties and video games and TV, I got a job -- and a boyfriend! I stopped living so much in my online bubble, I stopped carrying a notepad with me everywhere. I lost a part of me that I'm not sure will ever completely return. It became harder and harder for me to just sit down and write. There was no "flow". So eventually, I just stopped trying. Other than a few half-hearted blogs here and there, and the occassional spot of poetry I haven't seriously written anything since I left highschool. And that's sad. And wrong. And it's going to change!
A few days ago I received a book I'd ordered called "Everything I know about Writing" - by John Marsden [author of the popular Tomorrow When The War Began series (one of my favorite series of all time, by the way)]. This was a book I'd read in my teens, curled away in the corner of the highschool library somewhere and I'd remembered enjoying it. . so on impulse [I received a gift voucher for there for my birthday] I purchased it!
At the end of the book there's a segment called "600 Writing Topics" and these are sorted into categories such as quickies, discursive, poetry, personal, limits, letters, etc. Basically it's a bunch of one liners and the idea is either to answer the question or to use the line as inspiration. I've decided I'm going to complete the list and I've invited a few friends to try it out with me. And if anyone who reads this is interested in maybe giving it a go feel free to comment with your responses! I'm not sure how often I'm going to do these segments -- there are a few I want to tackle immediately so they might come more frequently in the beginning and then slow down to a once a week thing afterward, or I might really enjoy it and it'll become daily.. I don't know I haven't really ironed out the details.
Anyway, I'm going to make a new post for my first question because this one is already years long. I'm trying to think of a snappy name for it, but my 'working name' for now is "Project Writers [un]Block!" [or PWuB I guess for short] and is extremely subject to change.
I'm excited!
xx. A.
When I was younger, if you'd asked me or anyone who knew me what I wanted to be, I/they would've replied either "a Vet" or "a Writer".. and honestly the Vet thing was a phase that passed as soon as I realised I had to do more than just play with the fuzzy animals and occassionally there'd be blood [eww!] involved. For years I was involved in Roleplay and Writing Clubs, I shunned the outside -- content with the world I and my friends had created from nothing but text and our imagination. I lived and breathed these characters, I knew my favorite characters responses to any question even better than I knew my own, really.
I would stay up, night after night, living on 2-3 hours sleep just so that I could push my creativity a little further. I wrote at school during lunch, I wrote during classes that were not designed for writing [sorry maths class, you suck!], I wrote on the bus on the way home. Half of what I wrote was garbage, but it just came so freely and easily that I could just cut out the bad bits later, if I even bothered to edit something old instead of just writing something completely new.
Somewhere along the way though I got lost. I found "real life" friends, I became interested in parties and video games and TV, I got a job -- and a boyfriend! I stopped living so much in my online bubble, I stopped carrying a notepad with me everywhere. I lost a part of me that I'm not sure will ever completely return. It became harder and harder for me to just sit down and write. There was no "flow". So eventually, I just stopped trying. Other than a few half-hearted blogs here and there, and the occassional spot of poetry I haven't seriously written anything since I left highschool. And that's sad. And wrong. And it's going to change!
A few days ago I received a book I'd ordered called "Everything I know about Writing" - by John Marsden [author of the popular Tomorrow When The War Began series (one of my favorite series of all time, by the way)]. This was a book I'd read in my teens, curled away in the corner of the highschool library somewhere and I'd remembered enjoying it. . so on impulse [I received a gift voucher for there for my birthday] I purchased it!
At the end of the book there's a segment called "600 Writing Topics" and these are sorted into categories such as quickies, discursive, poetry, personal, limits, letters, etc. Basically it's a bunch of one liners and the idea is either to answer the question or to use the line as inspiration. I've decided I'm going to complete the list and I've invited a few friends to try it out with me. And if anyone who reads this is interested in maybe giving it a go feel free to comment with your responses! I'm not sure how often I'm going to do these segments -- there are a few I want to tackle immediately so they might come more frequently in the beginning and then slow down to a once a week thing afterward, or I might really enjoy it and it'll become daily.. I don't know I haven't really ironed out the details.
Anyway, I'm going to make a new post for my first question because this one is already years long. I'm trying to think of a snappy name for it, but my 'working name' for now is "Project Writers [un]Block!" [or PWuB I guess for short] and is extremely subject to change.
I'm excited!
xx. A.
Monday, October 25
The Pail List - Part 2.
So I spent the bus ride home today re-reading my Pail List [I thought I forgot my headphones and today was literally the Slowest Day Ever because of it, and then I got home and realised they were in my pocket all along.. gah] and I've thought of a few more to add to it.
The Pail List - Part 2
11 - Donate to Locks of Love. I think this is a particularly gorgeous charity and even though I love having long hair I figure, it'll grow back. Some of the kids I see everyday at the Oncology ward are just so bright and cheery and even though they have it 10 times worse than me they even try to cheer me up from time to time [apparently I'm just a little ray of sunshine haha].
12 - Go to the beach! I've lived in sunny Brisbane for 11 months now and I still haven't been to the Gold Coast or any beach at all for that matter.
13 - Go on an overseas Holiday. I'm not really sure where yet but I'd like for it to be either somewhere tropical where I can lay on a beach and sip cocktails or somewhere reallllly cold with snow and skiing and all that fun stuff!
14 - Finish my Degree. I'm not even sure I want to teach anymore. I feel like I'm meant to do something more significant, although maybe that's just me being weird. Even so, I want to have that shiney piece of paper. It's a milestone I've always imagined I'd pass in life.
15. Get a motorbike license!
I suspect this list is going to get long, fast. Maybe I'll cap it out at 100? I don't know. I'm tired now though, who would have thought sitting on your ass/sleeping as much as I do could be so exhausting!? Phew!
xx. A.
The Pail List - Part 2
11 - Donate to Locks of Love. I think this is a particularly gorgeous charity and even though I love having long hair I figure, it'll grow back. Some of the kids I see everyday at the Oncology ward are just so bright and cheery and even though they have it 10 times worse than me they even try to cheer me up from time to time [apparently I'm just a little ray of sunshine haha].
12 - Go to the beach! I've lived in sunny Brisbane for 11 months now and I still haven't been to the Gold Coast or any beach at all for that matter.
13 - Go on an overseas Holiday. I'm not really sure where yet but I'd like for it to be either somewhere tropical where I can lay on a beach and sip cocktails or somewhere reallllly cold with snow and skiing and all that fun stuff!
14 - Finish my Degree. I'm not even sure I want to teach anymore. I feel like I'm meant to do something more significant, although maybe that's just me being weird. Even so, I want to have that shiney piece of paper. It's a milestone I've always imagined I'd pass in life.
15. Get a motorbike license!
I suspect this list is going to get long, fast. Maybe I'll cap it out at 100? I don't know. I'm tired now though, who would have thought sitting on your ass/sleeping as much as I do could be so exhausting!? Phew!
xx. A.
Sunday, October 24
The Pail List.
I went to lunch today with my gorgeous ladies Karlee and Vicki and it was so fantastic. I hadn't realised how much I missed going outside and just having fun and being social. It's funny because most days I absolutely dread the idea of going outside as it means I'm about to go sit in a hospital for X amount of hours and be bored out of my mind and then come home feeling like a zombie and possibly get hit by a bus in my radiation induced haze [note: this hasn't happened yet but I feel like it might! haha!].
It really wasn't anything special, Karlee and I drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find parking, we ate at a midrange chinese restaurant, we laughed and we talked and it was just .. so.. great. I felt normal like I haven't felt in months. Nobody was tiptoe'ing around me being sick, we talked about normal stuff like how much we hate nazi bosses and boys and slutty friends and just.. stuff! I am in such a great mood. =]
I've decided I'm going to write a little "To-do" list of stuff I want to do once I'm better, or maybe even attempt before I get better [I already have one or two things in mind]. There are a few bigger items that obviously will take years maybe to accomplish, but some of them are fairly simple and I'm sure some people will find fairly amusing or stupid, but damnit, this is my party/list and I'll cry/be lame if I want to! Anyway, without further ado.
The Pail List [the bucket list is so overused]
1. Go on a SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ & be a total RadioNazi™ & demand other roadtrippers only listen to the carefully prepared & structured SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ playlist I have designed.
2. Bribie Island for a day of photography and cocktails [optional] and fun!
3. Honest to God clubbing. I've lived in Brisbane for nearly 11 months now and I have not hit an actual 'club' in the City yet. This is abysmal and must be rectified, ASAP.
4. SushiTrain with Karen! We've only been talking about it for like a billion weeks.
5. Complete NaNoWriMo.
6. Finish reading my Sara Douglass books. Poor Sara, she must think I hate her.
7. Learn to play Guitar. My poor little baby has been sitting in the back of the closet for far too long!
8. Buy a stock.. or some stocks. How does that even work? I want to find out!
9. Go whale or dolphin watching! I went dolphin watching when I was super young and it was soooo amazing, I want to go on one of those ones where they have the net off the back of the boat and you can reach out and touch them.
10. Buy a house. Not an apartment, as I'd previously assumed I'd settle into one day [outside and I have an agreement - I don't bother it and it doesn't bother me.. and apartments come without yards so this always seemed ideal]. I think a house is more likely to eventually feel like a home, though. And I really want a home.
Hmm.. Only 10 items so far, but I'll continue to add to it as I think on it. A few of them are completely accomplishable while I'm sick so Karen I'll be hitting you up for a trip to SushiTrain ASAP and Karlee you and I are on the road again [I can't wait to get on the road again!]. Honestly, I just feel so much better even thinking about doing things. I am so sick to death of being a goddamned indoor kitty! haha.
xx. A.
It really wasn't anything special, Karlee and I drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find parking, we ate at a midrange chinese restaurant, we laughed and we talked and it was just .. so.. great. I felt normal like I haven't felt in months. Nobody was tiptoe'ing around me being sick, we talked about normal stuff like how much we hate nazi bosses and boys and slutty friends and just.. stuff! I am in such a great mood. =]
I've decided I'm going to write a little "To-do" list of stuff I want to do once I'm better, or maybe even attempt before I get better [I already have one or two things in mind]. There are a few bigger items that obviously will take years maybe to accomplish, but some of them are fairly simple and I'm sure some people will find fairly amusing or stupid, but damnit, this is my party/list and I'll cry/be lame if I want to! Anyway, without further ado.
The Pail List [the bucket list is so overused]
1. Go on a SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ & be a total RadioNazi™ & demand other roadtrippers only listen to the carefully prepared & structured SuperAwesome Roadtrip™ playlist I have designed.
2. Bribie Island for a day of photography and cocktails [optional] and fun!
3. Honest to God clubbing. I've lived in Brisbane for nearly 11 months now and I have not hit an actual 'club' in the City yet. This is abysmal and must be rectified, ASAP.
4. SushiTrain with Karen! We've only been talking about it for like a billion weeks.
5. Complete NaNoWriMo.
6. Finish reading my Sara Douglass books. Poor Sara, she must think I hate her.
7. Learn to play Guitar. My poor little baby has been sitting in the back of the closet for far too long!
8. Buy a stock.. or some stocks. How does that even work? I want to find out!
9. Go whale or dolphin watching! I went dolphin watching when I was super young and it was soooo amazing, I want to go on one of those ones where they have the net off the back of the boat and you can reach out and touch them.
10. Buy a house. Not an apartment, as I'd previously assumed I'd settle into one day [outside and I have an agreement - I don't bother it and it doesn't bother me.. and apartments come without yards so this always seemed ideal]. I think a house is more likely to eventually feel like a home, though. And I really want a home.
Hmm.. Only 10 items so far, but I'll continue to add to it as I think on it. A few of them are completely accomplishable while I'm sick so Karen I'll be hitting you up for a trip to SushiTrain ASAP and Karlee you and I are on the road again [I can't wait to get on the road again!]. Honestly, I just feel so much better even thinking about doing things. I am so sick to death of being a goddamned indoor kitty! haha.
xx. A.
Friday, October 22
People I know - #1.
Inspired by a random facebook post I have decided to write a series about the people in my life. And honestly, it might end up only being one or two posts before I get bored, uninspired or just lazy about the project, but it's something I find fairly interesting for the moment so.. yeah!
I might not always name the people I'm writing about either for privacy sake or because I don't want to offend them, or other reasons, but atleast the first 3 I've got in my head are fairly obvious and will be easily guessed by anyone who plays a large part in my life, I suspect.
I won't be writing these in any particular order. Person 1 is no more important to me than Person 2 (well, they might be but I'm not writing these by order of importance, anyway) it's simply the order I could think of something to write about them.
Person #1
Person 1 is the bravest, most amazing person I know.
He is fierce like Beyonce, smart like Sheldon, inspired like Gaga, and unforgettable like Madonna.
He is The Catalyst.
It feels as though, even in situations that are not completely in his favour, he always knows he will come out on top and has confidence in his ability to make the situation work for him. This confidence and self control (and too - control over his surroundings) is something I have always envied.
My first memory of Person 1 is playing in a small, unoccupied lot, pretending to be various characters from Warhammer together. I was the Everqueen (oh god, lol) and I built bridges of ice over the rocky landscape to make our path easier. I don't remember what he was, I'm sorry, but I remember he had a cloak and that made me giggle.
I know that we knew eachother for years before that memory, but for the life of me I cannot remember anything before he meant the world to me.
I remember having ridiculous, shameful obsessions growing up. Final Fantasy, Pokemon, Zelda, GoldenEye, Musical artists I will not name even to this day. And I remember it being okay between the two of us... and our extreme attempts to hide it from the rest of the world. haha!
Person 1 inspired me to go back to school, and pushed me when I wanted to quit.
He took me into his home, on multiple occassions, and helped to mend my broken spirit when I thought I had nothing left in the world.
Person 1 put up with me being flakey, unreliable, self obsessed while I went through a painful breakup. And was STILL there for me at 2am to make milkshakes and watch Greys Anatomy until the wee hours of the morning, once I was finally ready for human contact.
I will never forget drinking until the wee hours of the night, making terrible website designs (which - at the time - we thought were fantastic) and singing and dreaming and just BEING.
I will never forget the feeling of complete disbelief, anger and rage the first time I heard anyone speak out negatively about something that I had just come to accept as part of who he was -- as much as his hair colour or favorite ice cream flavour were. To this day nobody has spoken ill of him infront of me and gotten away with it.
I have never been more comfortable in my own skin than I have been with Person 1.
I would never have made it this far in life, without Person 1.
I will never love another person the way I love Person 1.
Below are just a few memories of Person 1. Ahahahaha. If you haven't already guessed it's about to become completely and utterly clear. I love you James, from the depths of my soul. <3 oox.
xx. A.
I might not always name the people I'm writing about either for privacy sake or because I don't want to offend them, or other reasons, but atleast the first 3 I've got in my head are fairly obvious and will be easily guessed by anyone who plays a large part in my life, I suspect.
I won't be writing these in any particular order. Person 1 is no more important to me than Person 2 (well, they might be but I'm not writing these by order of importance, anyway) it's simply the order I could think of something to write about them.
Person #1
Person 1 is the bravest, most amazing person I know.
He is fierce like Beyonce, smart like Sheldon, inspired like Gaga, and unforgettable like Madonna.
He is The Catalyst.
It feels as though, even in situations that are not completely in his favour, he always knows he will come out on top and has confidence in his ability to make the situation work for him. This confidence and self control (and too - control over his surroundings) is something I have always envied.
My first memory of Person 1 is playing in a small, unoccupied lot, pretending to be various characters from Warhammer together. I was the Everqueen (oh god, lol) and I built bridges of ice over the rocky landscape to make our path easier. I don't remember what he was, I'm sorry, but I remember he had a cloak and that made me giggle.
I know that we knew eachother for years before that memory, but for the life of me I cannot remember anything before he meant the world to me.
I remember having ridiculous, shameful obsessions growing up. Final Fantasy, Pokemon, Zelda, GoldenEye, Musical artists I will not name even to this day. And I remember it being okay between the two of us... and our extreme attempts to hide it from the rest of the world. haha!
Person 1 inspired me to go back to school, and pushed me when I wanted to quit.
He took me into his home, on multiple occassions, and helped to mend my broken spirit when I thought I had nothing left in the world.
Person 1 put up with me being flakey, unreliable, self obsessed while I went through a painful breakup. And was STILL there for me at 2am to make milkshakes and watch Greys Anatomy until the wee hours of the morning, once I was finally ready for human contact.
I will never forget drinking until the wee hours of the night, making terrible website designs (which - at the time - we thought were fantastic) and singing and dreaming and just BEING.
I will never forget the feeling of complete disbelief, anger and rage the first time I heard anyone speak out negatively about something that I had just come to accept as part of who he was -- as much as his hair colour or favorite ice cream flavour were. To this day nobody has spoken ill of him infront of me and gotten away with it.
I have never been more comfortable in my own skin than I have been with Person 1.
I would never have made it this far in life, without Person 1.
I will never love another person the way I love Person 1.
Below are just a few memories of Person 1. Ahahahaha. If you haven't already guessed it's about to become completely and utterly clear. I love you James, from the depths of my soul. <3 oox.
xx. A.
Wednesday, October 20
Confession.
I'm always so amused by peoples stupid little problems. I just find it BEYOND hilarious some of the things people get upset about, or involved in. And what's more amusing is that they seem to think I should care about it, because I continue to hear about it, again and again. And I can feel that they expect me to give them some kind of sympathy, or comforting words, and you know what? I really cannot be bothered.
The world sucks, get used to it. If the worst problem you have right now is that he wont love you back, or your best friend is moving to another state, or that you can't afford to go out this weekend.. well, you've got it pretty damned easy and you should shut the fuck up and stop complaining to people with real issues.
My two cents.
xx. A.
The world sucks, get used to it. If the worst problem you have right now is that he wont love you back, or your best friend is moving to another state, or that you can't afford to go out this weekend.. well, you've got it pretty damned easy and you should shut the fuck up and stop complaining to people with real issues.
My two cents.
xx. A.
Tuesday, October 19
Just another manic Monday.
I feel like Garfield everytime I write anything about Mondays and how much I hate them. Even if I don't mean all Mondays and just that particular Monday at all, it just feels as though I'm being so incredibly cliche and so, inevitably, I end up backspacing and leaving it be.
Yesterday, however, was a pretty tough day so I'm not going to backspace. I got my lab results back from last week and in the four weeks that I've been having treatment there has only been a 4% reduction which pretty much means it will definitely be going for the full 12 weeks and not the 8 I had hoped for.
I'm disappointed, I won't lie. I'm struggling -- but I'll manage. I have thus far, and even though I feel as though I am as stretched as thin as I can possibly go, I'm sure there's 8 more weeks in me, somewhere.
xx. A.
Yesterday, however, was a pretty tough day so I'm not going to backspace. I got my lab results back from last week and in the four weeks that I've been having treatment there has only been a 4% reduction which pretty much means it will definitely be going for the full 12 weeks and not the 8 I had hoped for.
I'm disappointed, I won't lie. I'm struggling -- but I'll manage. I have thus far, and even though I feel as though I am as stretched as thin as I can possibly go, I'm sure there's 8 more weeks in me, somewhere.
xx. A.
Saturday, October 16
Just bloggin'.
So yesterday marked the four week mark of my treatment which means I am officially one third [or possibly half, but it's not looking too good] of the way through. I'm feeling really good about that because -- I'll be honest -- I've been struggling. I missed my first treatment this week and while I feel like I was justified [I'm getting a cold I think and I've been really rough this week with the cuddling the toilet all night instead of sleeping, etc] I still felt like I was letting everyone who keeps telling me they 'believe in me' down.
It's 6:03am and I've been awake since around 2:45, I actually got a pretty decent sleep compared to the last few days so I'm fairly happy about that. I'm hoping to meet a friend for lunch today but whether or not I manage that remains to be seen.
In unrelated news, I'm thinking of cutting bangs in again. My hair has gotten super long and I really want to keep growing it but I have the 'cutting itch' at the moment and I figure it's better to just cut my fringe than to cut it all off which is what would end up happening if I got a 'real' hair cut. Also, I think sidebangs suits me [when I can be bothered styling them and not just tossing them back in bobbypins but lets be honest I put my hair back in the 'pouffe' style regardless so it's not like it would really make that much of a difference] and I've delved into the depths of my computer to give to you these photos, for judgement!
As you can see, as of recently it's gotten really long but it also tends to remain more-or-less unstyled since there isn't anything you can do with hair once it passes your shoulders. It gets heavy and really a pain in the ass to manage, so it tends to either just go into a ponytail, stay out and look really unkempt, or be pinned back like in the last photo. I also really love red hair on me and I wish I could afford to dye it again, stupid being sick! haha!
To completely hop to yet another topic [I get very random when I'm sleep deprived] the newest Questionable Content had me in stitches for literally 5 minutes. I'm not sure if it's because I know quite a few geeky guys of my own or what the deal is, but yeah I really do love Angus and think he's adorable and that comic is just so so hilarious.
Anyway I'm going to go shower now and attempt to make myself energized enough to leave the house today.
xx. A.
It's 6:03am and I've been awake since around 2:45, I actually got a pretty decent sleep compared to the last few days so I'm fairly happy about that. I'm hoping to meet a friend for lunch today but whether or not I manage that remains to be seen.
In unrelated news, I'm thinking of cutting bangs in again. My hair has gotten super long and I really want to keep growing it but I have the 'cutting itch' at the moment and I figure it's better to just cut my fringe than to cut it all off which is what would end up happening if I got a 'real' hair cut. Also, I think sidebangs suits me [when I can be bothered styling them and not just tossing them back in bobbypins but lets be honest I put my hair back in the 'pouffe' style regardless so it's not like it would really make that much of a difference] and I've delved into the depths of my computer to give to you these photos, for judgement!
As you can see, as of recently it's gotten really long but it also tends to remain more-or-less unstyled since there isn't anything you can do with hair once it passes your shoulders. It gets heavy and really a pain in the ass to manage, so it tends to either just go into a ponytail, stay out and look really unkempt, or be pinned back like in the last photo. I also really love red hair on me and I wish I could afford to dye it again, stupid being sick! haha!
To completely hop to yet another topic [I get very random when I'm sleep deprived] the newest Questionable Content had me in stitches for literally 5 minutes. I'm not sure if it's because I know quite a few geeky guys of my own or what the deal is, but yeah I really do love Angus and think he's adorable and that comic is just so so hilarious.
Anyway I'm going to go shower now and attempt to make myself energized enough to leave the house today.
xx. A.
Thursday, October 14
Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™
The majority of people who have the address to this blog would be surprised to know that I love to shop [unless they read my last post I guess.. where I.. said it]. And when I say love to shop I mean lovelovefuckinglove to shop. I'm not sure why but in a stereotypically girly fashion I get this really nice buzz from finding something that is different, or perfect, or even just a little bit cool. Something I've found recently - since I've been sick and not working much - is that while 'window shopping' isn't even remotely as satisfactory it still gives me a little bit of the tingles.
So yeah.. I thought in this post I'd detail some of the awesome stuff I've found over the last few days/weeks that I plan on making mine when I'm working again!
I tend to spend a lot of time watching makeup tutorials and then re-enacting them on myself [90% of the time this will happen at like 1am when I can't sleep so generally I'll do the 'look', be happy with myself for being able to do it, and then remove it immediately so I can go to bed - haha!] so it really should come as no shock that I am utterly and completely addicted to makeup and the tools needed to apply it.
The first few items on my list of Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ are from M·A·C's newest limited edition line - Venomous Villains which is a collaboration with Disney [I know!! I know!! It's like they made this line specifically for me] starring and inspired by 4 of the Villains from various Disney flicks. Item number one is from the Evil Queen [of Snow White] part of the line - the Beauty Powder in Oh So Fair and is kind of a pale-ish pink with a gold sheen to it-- it's just gorgeous really.
The second is from the Maleficent [Sleeping Beauty] portion of the line and it's the Mineralize Eyeshadow Duo in My Dark Magic which was pretty much made for me, I'm convinced. It's a marbled pink with pink pearling combined with a stunning plum-y colour with a similar purple pearl. The line is sold out almost everywhere so I'm almost tempted to pick this up sooner rather than later [who needs to pay rent! psh!] to avoid missing out -- it really is soooo me.
As much as I love and spend hours and hours browsing the M·A·C website however, that's all I have from there to share with you. The next item is from Urban Decay and I'm honestly kind of shocked I've gone this long without picking it up -- it has a fantastic name, gorgeous packaging and on top of that it's almost a staple to most makeup collections. Anyway, it's the Urban Decay Primer Potion in Eden which is basically just an eyeshadow base that dries to a very matte finish and is perfect for people like me who have really oily skin [and did I mention the packaging is so cute]!
Also from Urban Decay and also sold out [damn it!!] I am dreaming about the Naked Palette which came out in August I believe and has been sold out ever since. It's a really fantastic palette made up of nudes, neutrals and earth tones in both matte and shimmer which makes it perfect for someone of my olive skin tone and [when I'm going, anyway] line of work since you can put together some really nice, everyday looks with it.
I guess at some point I have to stop talking about makeup so we'll move on to another passion of mine, Video Games! A new Harvest Moon for DS [titled Grand Bazaar] has recently been released and it looks fantastic! I'm seriously so excited about playing this game that I have actually considered just getting a ROM and playing it on my computer but I ended up deciding that I'd enjoy it that much better if I could curl up in bed and play it at my leisure.
The next thing isn't exactly a Video Game per se but it's definitely related/inspired. Everyone who is anyone knows that I am soooo addicted to World of Warcraft that it isn't even a joke anymore and I found this shirt on J!NX that makes me smile so much!
Little Peddlefeet! I was so excited when I got the little arrow to 'tame' him as a companion forever, and then Blizz had to go and ruin it by making it easy for everyone to get him the following year. Anyway, moving on from the NerdRage... although staying in the NerdKingdom. Harry Potter! When I moved away from home I left my Harry Potters behind and I've decided that it's time to replace them -- but I am an adult now, so I definitely need the Adult Box Set from Dymocks. It's pricey but it's soooo pretty so it's definitely worth it.
Anyway that about concludes my tour of Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ for tonight [I've got heaps more but it's 3:30am so I guess I'll try to sleep], tune in next week for more Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ you never knew you needed! Same bat time, same bat channel, kids!
xx. A.
So yeah.. I thought in this post I'd detail some of the awesome stuff I've found over the last few days/weeks that I plan on making mine when I'm working again!
I tend to spend a lot of time watching makeup tutorials and then re-enacting them on myself [90% of the time this will happen at like 1am when I can't sleep so generally I'll do the 'look', be happy with myself for being able to do it, and then remove it immediately so I can go to bed - haha!] so it really should come as no shock that I am utterly and completely addicted to makeup and the tools needed to apply it.
The first few items on my list of Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ are from M·A·C's newest limited edition line - Venomous Villains which is a collaboration with Disney [I know!! I know!! It's like they made this line specifically for me] starring and inspired by 4 of the Villains from various Disney flicks. Item number one is from the Evil Queen [of Snow White] part of the line - the Beauty Powder in Oh So Fair and is kind of a pale-ish pink with a gold sheen to it-- it's just gorgeous really.
The second is from the Maleficent [Sleeping Beauty] portion of the line and it's the Mineralize Eyeshadow Duo in My Dark Magic which was pretty much made for me, I'm convinced. It's a marbled pink with pink pearling combined with a stunning plum-y colour with a similar purple pearl. The line is sold out almost everywhere so I'm almost tempted to pick this up sooner rather than later [who needs to pay rent! psh!] to avoid missing out -- it really is soooo me.
As much as I love and spend hours and hours browsing the M·A·C website however, that's all I have from there to share with you. The next item is from Urban Decay and I'm honestly kind of shocked I've gone this long without picking it up -- it has a fantastic name, gorgeous packaging and on top of that it's almost a staple to most makeup collections. Anyway, it's the Urban Decay Primer Potion in Eden which is basically just an eyeshadow base that dries to a very matte finish and is perfect for people like me who have really oily skin [and did I mention the packaging is so cute]!
Also from Urban Decay and also sold out [damn it!!] I am dreaming about the Naked Palette which came out in August I believe and has been sold out ever since. It's a really fantastic palette made up of nudes, neutrals and earth tones in both matte and shimmer which makes it perfect for someone of my olive skin tone and [when I'm going, anyway] line of work since you can put together some really nice, everyday looks with it.
I guess at some point I have to stop talking about makeup so we'll move on to another passion of mine, Video Games! A new Harvest Moon for DS [titled Grand Bazaar] has recently been released and it looks fantastic! I'm seriously so excited about playing this game that I have actually considered just getting a ROM and playing it on my computer but I ended up deciding that I'd enjoy it that much better if I could curl up in bed and play it at my leisure.
The next thing isn't exactly a Video Game per se but it's definitely related/inspired. Everyone who is anyone knows that I am soooo addicted to World of Warcraft that it isn't even a joke anymore and I found this shirt on J!NX that makes me smile so much!
Little Peddlefeet! I was so excited when I got the little arrow to 'tame' him as a companion forever, and then Blizz had to go and ruin it by making it easy for everyone to get him the following year. Anyway, moving on from the NerdRage... although staying in the NerdKingdom. Harry Potter! When I moved away from home I left my Harry Potters behind and I've decided that it's time to replace them -- but I am an adult now, so I definitely need the Adult Box Set from Dymocks. It's pricey but it's soooo pretty so it's definitely worth it.
Anyway that about concludes my tour of Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ for tonight [I've got heaps more but it's 3:30am so I guess I'll try to sleep], tune in next week for more Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ you never knew you needed! Same bat time, same bat channel, kids!
xx. A.
Monday, October 11
Things I like.
I am so completely annoyed and angry right now that I have decided to take a page out of the amazing lady Oprahs book and write about stuff I like in hopes of being less annoyed and angry, and also to stop myself from writing something I don't mean or will regret at a later date.
I like rain.
I like the smell of it, especially if grass (not mine since I live in an apartment) has been cut recently, so you get that fresh-grass-rain-summer'y smell and it's just divine.
I like the sound of it - the heavier the better. When I was having problems sleeping I even went so far as to download an application for my phone that simply plays the sound of a storm and it really did help.
I like getting out of the shower on a hot day and sitting around in a towel, under the fan, just relaxing.
I like how my hair feels on my shoulders and back when it's still damp and cool.
I like laying in bed, listening to my music with my eyes closed. It's like everything else fades away and all I can feel is the beat.
I like music a lot, actually. I love how it can completely change a bad mood into a good one.
I like how certain songs can take me back to specific moments in my life -- so completely. I have songs for all sorts of things, events, people..
I really like 80s music.
I like buying things. Faaaaaaaaar too much.
In particular, I like buying make up. I like applying makeup and wearing makeup, but mostly I just love buying/owning it.
I also like buying stationary (and stationary in general, not just buying it). I would blame being in administration for it, but I really do have a sick sort of fetish for it. Nothing makes me happier than finding a purple glittery stapler to match my purple glittery holepunch.
I like getting mail. I'm contemplating getting a PO box and joining one of those communities that just send letters to eachother. It makes me so happy!
I like pink, and purple, and silver. It doesn't even matter what the thing is, I will automatically like it about 10x better just by it being one of those colours. 20x more if it's a combination of them. Sparkles or glitter adds another 10x, too.
I like video games.
I like the fact that there is a number of very specific things that I need to do to get better at them and if I am persistant I will eventually get what I want.
I like that if I make 300 bandages I will max out my first aid skill, and I'll never have to worry about being sick or hurt again.
I like that I can pick what I look like, and change it if I get bored.
I like that I can pick a role in life (one that is very specific and comes with instructions) and if I get bored, I can start again -- from scratch -- with no baggage or debt.
I also like shooting zombies. A lot.
I like sleep ins.
I like having bacon and eggs in the morning after a sleep in, because it reminds me of my dad cooking Christmas breakfasts, which were always my favorite part of that holiday.
I like snuggling up in bed and completely destroying the blanket (something I have been repeatedly told off for by partners), tucking it up under my feet and curling it around me like a little coocoon, pulling some up to my chest to cuddle and simultaneously use as a pillow.
This hasn't made my mood any better but it has made me want to go snuggle up in bed with my iPod, so I think that's what I'm going to go do.
xx. A.
I like rain.
I like the smell of it, especially if grass (not mine since I live in an apartment) has been cut recently, so you get that fresh-grass-rain-summer'y smell and it's just divine.
I like the sound of it - the heavier the better. When I was having problems sleeping I even went so far as to download an application for my phone that simply plays the sound of a storm and it really did help.
I like getting out of the shower on a hot day and sitting around in a towel, under the fan, just relaxing.
I like how my hair feels on my shoulders and back when it's still damp and cool.
I like laying in bed, listening to my music with my eyes closed. It's like everything else fades away and all I can feel is the beat.
I like music a lot, actually. I love how it can completely change a bad mood into a good one.
I like how certain songs can take me back to specific moments in my life -- so completely. I have songs for all sorts of things, events, people..
I really like 80s music.
I like buying things. Faaaaaaaaar too much.
In particular, I like buying make up. I like applying makeup and wearing makeup, but mostly I just love buying/owning it.
I also like buying stationary (and stationary in general, not just buying it). I would blame being in administration for it, but I really do have a sick sort of fetish for it. Nothing makes me happier than finding a purple glittery stapler to match my purple glittery holepunch.
I like getting mail. I'm contemplating getting a PO box and joining one of those communities that just send letters to eachother. It makes me so happy!
I like pink, and purple, and silver. It doesn't even matter what the thing is, I will automatically like it about 10x better just by it being one of those colours. 20x more if it's a combination of them. Sparkles or glitter adds another 10x, too.
I like video games.
I like the fact that there is a number of very specific things that I need to do to get better at them and if I am persistant I will eventually get what I want.
I like that if I make 300 bandages I will max out my first aid skill, and I'll never have to worry about being sick or hurt again.
I like that I can pick what I look like, and change it if I get bored.
I like that I can pick a role in life (one that is very specific and comes with instructions) and if I get bored, I can start again -- from scratch -- with no baggage or debt.
I also like shooting zombies. A lot.
I like sleep ins.
I like having bacon and eggs in the morning after a sleep in, because it reminds me of my dad cooking Christmas breakfasts, which were always my favorite part of that holiday.
I like snuggling up in bed and completely destroying the blanket (something I have been repeatedly told off for by partners), tucking it up under my feet and curling it around me like a little coocoon, pulling some up to my chest to cuddle and simultaneously use as a pillow.
This hasn't made my mood any better but it has made me want to go snuggle up in bed with my iPod, so I think that's what I'm going to go do.
xx. A.
Sunday, October 10
Saturday, October 9
Rambling.
Sleep is one of those things. I can sit up all night yawning and putting it off because it's too early and I don't want to be awake at buttcrack in the morning.. and then finally - hours later, at a decent time of night - lay down, comfortable in my little nest of pillows and blankets and stuffed toys.. only to find that sleep will not come.
Tonight is one of those nights.
xx. A.
Tonight is one of those nights.
xx. A.
Friday, October 8
The Long Day.
Today started out like any other, I woke several times throughout the early morning to go cuddle with the toilet, followed by crawling back to bed and collapsing there, wrapped around the body pillow that has become my best friend of late.
Eventually my alarm went off -- "I'm walking on sunshine, woaahhhhh!! I'm walking on sunshine, woahhhhh~!! And don't it feel good!" -- this was something I found amusing when I was well and was an incredible aid to me waking up in a good mood. The upbeat, cheery singing and fast paced beat had became the ultimate morning song for me. Oddly, these days, I find it has the exact opposite effect. I'm still not sure why I haven't changed it except that maybe I'm worried I'd ruin another song by making it my alarm.
I slowly accepted consciousness, blinking heavily and turning to one side - away from the open blinds of my window which [despite the rain outside] revealed a bright and sunny day.
Showering is a particularly fun task. I find that the heat of the spray makes my stomach do sommersaults and more often than not find myself on my knees, grasping for the bucket I keep beside the shower cubical 'just in case'. Today though, my bucket remained empty, and I went about the task of washing my body and hair of any remains of the nights "rest".
Eventually I was clean, and dried, and dressed [more or less] and threw my hair up into a ponytail. I've learned - over the last few weeks - that it is easier just to keep my hair tied up than to try hold it back when I am crouched unforgivingly over a toilet, or bucket, or gutter, or wherever the mood strikes.
I did the three tap check [wallet - keys - phone] and was out the door, wondering how it could be both so bright and so rainy at the same time, but too tired -- already -- to go back up the stairs to retrieve my umbrella.
The bus to the hospital is slow. The driver knows me by now and gives me a sympathetic smile [I don't want your sympathy] as I sit in the front seat, both arms crossed firmly across my stomach, trying to hold down what little remained in there. I never eat breakfast before radiation -- a lesson I learned on my very first day and learned well.
Finally -- blissfully -- the bus pulls to a stop out front of the hospital and I almost explode out of the door, scratching my arm on the buzzer on the way out. One hand pressed firmly over my - now bleeding - arm, the other arm still wrapped around my stomach, I press the button on the elevator and let my head rest against the cool metal of the door for a few minutes.
The Oncology Unit is fairly large - definitely larger than I had expected the first time - and the nurse on reception greets me with another sympathetic smile [I don't want your sympathy!]. I take my seat in the waiting room next to an old man named Bill. Bill and I are old friends by now and he grabs my hand and squeezes it gently in his own. Its pretty funny but I well up a little - I've been doing this on my own for so long now - even this tiny act of support is so much more than I expect.
I pretend to listen to my iPod [I'm listening to The Hobbit on Audiobook and it's actually really good, even though I've read it about 15 times and could almost recite it along with the reader] until Bill eventually gets called in, and about half an hour later, it's my turn.
My Radiologists name is Alex. He's pretty young, and he makes me laugh a lot. I can't pronounce his last name [it starts with a C and it's kind of Italian sounding?] so he just has me call him Dr. Alex. I like him.
The process has become almost habit for us, I undress in the room just before you enter the room where the radiation machine is and put on the flimsy hospital gown which is folded neatly on the seat. I then pull my shirt on over the top of the gown [something which I don't think you're supposed to do but Dr. Alex seems to 'get' that being naked infront of all these people is scary for me, and he suggested it on the first day of the second week] and go lay down on the bed under the machine.
Alex says it's okay to read or something while it's happening, but I always watch very closely. I can only just barely see him from behind the glass [I can't wear my glasses] but I feel like if I'm watching him he's less likely to give in to some crazy scientist and use me as an experiment or something.
I feel so vulnerable, and my skin has started to blister over the last few weeks. It hurts -- I bite my lip.
It's over within fiften minutes and soon a nurse has come in to usher me to my clothing and helps me get dressed again. Suddenly I'm not as shy as I was about being naked infront of someone else - my head is light and I can't stand up too well.
My doctor makes an appointment on Monday for me to take some blood tests, and fusses around me for half an hour or so, taking my blood pressure and asking questions. He tells me I have to see the therapist - Theresa - more often.
I don't remember much after that, just the 'beep' as I got on the bus and my forehead pressed against the cool glass window. Eventually the driver helps me out of my seat and down the stairs -- she stops at the top of the hill so I don't have to walk so far, even though I don't think she's supposed to do that either.
Eventually I make it home and here I am, writing this. I guess it wasn't such a big day afterall -- it's only 2:11pm. I think I'm going to nap now.
xx. A.
Eventually my alarm went off -- "I'm walking on sunshine, woaahhhhh!! I'm walking on sunshine, woahhhhh~!! And don't it feel good!" -- this was something I found amusing when I was well and was an incredible aid to me waking up in a good mood. The upbeat, cheery singing and fast paced beat had became the ultimate morning song for me. Oddly, these days, I find it has the exact opposite effect. I'm still not sure why I haven't changed it except that maybe I'm worried I'd ruin another song by making it my alarm.
I slowly accepted consciousness, blinking heavily and turning to one side - away from the open blinds of my window which [despite the rain outside] revealed a bright and sunny day.
Showering is a particularly fun task. I find that the heat of the spray makes my stomach do sommersaults and more often than not find myself on my knees, grasping for the bucket I keep beside the shower cubical 'just in case'. Today though, my bucket remained empty, and I went about the task of washing my body and hair of any remains of the nights "rest".
Eventually I was clean, and dried, and dressed [more or less] and threw my hair up into a ponytail. I've learned - over the last few weeks - that it is easier just to keep my hair tied up than to try hold it back when I am crouched unforgivingly over a toilet, or bucket, or gutter, or wherever the mood strikes.
I did the three tap check [wallet - keys - phone] and was out the door, wondering how it could be both so bright and so rainy at the same time, but too tired -- already -- to go back up the stairs to retrieve my umbrella.
The bus to the hospital is slow. The driver knows me by now and gives me a sympathetic smile [I don't want your sympathy] as I sit in the front seat, both arms crossed firmly across my stomach, trying to hold down what little remained in there. I never eat breakfast before radiation -- a lesson I learned on my very first day and learned well.
Finally -- blissfully -- the bus pulls to a stop out front of the hospital and I almost explode out of the door, scratching my arm on the buzzer on the way out. One hand pressed firmly over my - now bleeding - arm, the other arm still wrapped around my stomach, I press the button on the elevator and let my head rest against the cool metal of the door for a few minutes.
The Oncology Unit is fairly large - definitely larger than I had expected the first time - and the nurse on reception greets me with another sympathetic smile [I don't want your sympathy!]. I take my seat in the waiting room next to an old man named Bill. Bill and I are old friends by now and he grabs my hand and squeezes it gently in his own. Its pretty funny but I well up a little - I've been doing this on my own for so long now - even this tiny act of support is so much more than I expect.
I pretend to listen to my iPod [I'm listening to The Hobbit on Audiobook and it's actually really good, even though I've read it about 15 times and could almost recite it along with the reader] until Bill eventually gets called in, and about half an hour later, it's my turn.
My Radiologists name is Alex. He's pretty young, and he makes me laugh a lot. I can't pronounce his last name [it starts with a C and it's kind of Italian sounding?] so he just has me call him Dr. Alex. I like him.
The process has become almost habit for us, I undress in the room just before you enter the room where the radiation machine is and put on the flimsy hospital gown which is folded neatly on the seat. I then pull my shirt on over the top of the gown [something which I don't think you're supposed to do but Dr. Alex seems to 'get' that being naked infront of all these people is scary for me, and he suggested it on the first day of the second week] and go lay down on the bed under the machine.
Alex says it's okay to read or something while it's happening, but I always watch very closely. I can only just barely see him from behind the glass [I can't wear my glasses] but I feel like if I'm watching him he's less likely to give in to some crazy scientist and use me as an experiment or something.
I feel so vulnerable, and my skin has started to blister over the last few weeks. It hurts -- I bite my lip.
It's over within fiften minutes and soon a nurse has come in to usher me to my clothing and helps me get dressed again. Suddenly I'm not as shy as I was about being naked infront of someone else - my head is light and I can't stand up too well.
My doctor makes an appointment on Monday for me to take some blood tests, and fusses around me for half an hour or so, taking my blood pressure and asking questions. He tells me I have to see the therapist - Theresa - more often.
I don't remember much after that, just the 'beep' as I got on the bus and my forehead pressed against the cool glass window. Eventually the driver helps me out of my seat and down the stairs -- she stops at the top of the hill so I don't have to walk so far, even though I don't think she's supposed to do that either.
Eventually I make it home and here I am, writing this. I guess it wasn't such a big day afterall -- it's only 2:11pm. I think I'm going to nap now.
xx. A.
Thursday, October 7
Anger.
I'm angry.
Not regular, "the dog knocked over a potplant", angry. But deep and soulseething angry, I want to throw things angry, screaming doesn't make me feel any better angry. Angry to the very core of my being. I feel as though my person has been absorbed by this living, breathing ball of anger that just cannot be expressed.
I'm the kind of person who (as previously mentioned) doesn't deal with emotions very well. My usual reaction to being mad or regular-person angry is just to walk away - to ignore it and wait for it to simmer away until there's nothing left and I'm okay again. And for the most part, this has worked.
This kind of angry though, it doesn't simmer down, it boils and bubbles over. For days I can be mad about the one thing until I just cannot hold it in any longer and I explode - almost literally - at whoever is unfortunate enough to be in line of sight. In the last month I have had more arguments than I previously had even LISTENED to in years. I've snapped at people for asking how I am - or for not asking often enough. I've snapped at people for suggesting that I look tired and should go rest. I've snapped for no reason at all except that the anger is so thick that I cannot swallow it back any longer.
I know where the anger stems from. I'm mad that I'm sick. I'm hurt that people seem to seesaw between being overbearingly caring and forgetting I exist. I'm scared of dying - as remote an option as this seems, as far fetched, according to statistics and all the paperwork doctors have fed me - I'm petrified.
I'm angry with myself for not being tested sooner. I had soooo many signs for months and months before I was diagnosed and I just put it off because I was embarrassed, it wasn't until I was FORCED to face the music as it were that I finally went to the doctor.
I guess, honestly, that's the biggest thing. I'm angry with myself and I find it impossible to feel anything else, toward almost anyone else. And that really sucks.
xx. A.
Not regular, "the dog knocked over a potplant", angry. But deep and soulseething angry, I want to throw things angry, screaming doesn't make me feel any better angry. Angry to the very core of my being. I feel as though my person has been absorbed by this living, breathing ball of anger that just cannot be expressed.
I'm the kind of person who (as previously mentioned) doesn't deal with emotions very well. My usual reaction to being mad or regular-person angry is just to walk away - to ignore it and wait for it to simmer away until there's nothing left and I'm okay again. And for the most part, this has worked.
This kind of angry though, it doesn't simmer down, it boils and bubbles over. For days I can be mad about the one thing until I just cannot hold it in any longer and I explode - almost literally - at whoever is unfortunate enough to be in line of sight. In the last month I have had more arguments than I previously had even LISTENED to in years. I've snapped at people for asking how I am - or for not asking often enough. I've snapped at people for suggesting that I look tired and should go rest. I've snapped for no reason at all except that the anger is so thick that I cannot swallow it back any longer.
I know where the anger stems from. I'm mad that I'm sick. I'm hurt that people seem to seesaw between being overbearingly caring and forgetting I exist. I'm scared of dying - as remote an option as this seems, as far fetched, according to statistics and all the paperwork doctors have fed me - I'm petrified.
I'm angry with myself for not being tested sooner. I had soooo many signs for months and months before I was diagnosed and I just put it off because I was embarrassed, it wasn't until I was FORCED to face the music as it were that I finally went to the doctor.
I guess, honestly, that's the biggest thing. I'm angry with myself and I find it impossible to feel anything else, toward almost anyone else. And that really sucks.
xx. A.
Wednesday, October 6
How it is.
So here's the deal -- I have cancer.
I'm not writing this blog for sympathy or to make a 'connection' with other 'survivors' or whatever the fuck, I'm writing because if I don't I'm going to kill someone. And hey, I might kill someone anyway so I guess we'll see.
I was diagnosed on Tuesday the 31st of August. First stage Cervical Cancer.. which honestly, if you have to have cancer, I guess this is the one you want to get. Entirely treatable through the most non-invasive methods available, and the survival and recovery rates are really quite high. I guess those facts didn't really sink in as the Doctor told me though because all I could hear was this white noise hissing in my ears and my head felt fuzzy like it was full of cotton balls or something. I was going through the motions but I felt like I was just looking down on a me-puppet from very far away, watching her make decisions and nod and seem to understand what the guy in the white jacket was telling her.
I don't handle emotions very well (obviously) so I hung onto it for a while and just kind of let puppet-me continue to go to work and carry on with life until I eventually got the balls to call my parents. They've been divorced for a few years now, so I had to tell them seperately, and honestly I think the hardest thing I've ever done was tell my dad. My mum has had cancer before so I knew it wasn't going to be a big thing to tell her -- she would know I'd come out on the other side okay and there'd be no crying or fuss. My dad though, he's the kind of person who is built to be a father -- he cares very deeply and he takes responsibility for everything. It nearly broke me to tell him. I felt like - by getting sick - I'd let him down. I guess in a way I still feel like that.
The next few days were a mess of phone calls, telling people who I hadn't spoken to for months but who -- apparently -- needed to know from me because it would be rude if they found out from someone else. It never got easier, "Oh hi, yah it's me. How've you been? ... oh that's good, good.. me? Oh, you know, working hard -- got a promotion at work a month or so ago so it's been crazy. Oh and you know what else! I have cancer! Craziest thing!" ... yeah.
Honestly that's something I find I'm still doing. Telling people because I feel like I'm obligated to, or pretending I'm okay on days when I'm really not, just because it would make people uncomfortable if I told the truth when they asked - uncaringly - "How are you?".
That's something that really gets to me, you know? Don't ask if you don't want a real answer. I am so angry and full of rage at the moment. I hurt. I'm nauseous. I'm tired. I really and truly do not have a single socially required "Fine thanks!" left in me and I really don't see why I should have to continue to offer them.
So anyway I guess I'll cut that post off here. Maybe I'll continue to recount what happened from then or maybe I'll just use this as a place to bitch or post about video games. Or maybe I just won't even bother posting at all, again. We'll see, I suppose.
xx. A.
I'm not writing this blog for sympathy or to make a 'connection' with other 'survivors' or whatever the fuck, I'm writing because if I don't I'm going to kill someone. And hey, I might kill someone anyway so I guess we'll see.
I was diagnosed on Tuesday the 31st of August. First stage Cervical Cancer.. which honestly, if you have to have cancer, I guess this is the one you want to get. Entirely treatable through the most non-invasive methods available, and the survival and recovery rates are really quite high. I guess those facts didn't really sink in as the Doctor told me though because all I could hear was this white noise hissing in my ears and my head felt fuzzy like it was full of cotton balls or something. I was going through the motions but I felt like I was just looking down on a me-puppet from very far away, watching her make decisions and nod and seem to understand what the guy in the white jacket was telling her.
I don't handle emotions very well (obviously) so I hung onto it for a while and just kind of let puppet-me continue to go to work and carry on with life until I eventually got the balls to call my parents. They've been divorced for a few years now, so I had to tell them seperately, and honestly I think the hardest thing I've ever done was tell my dad. My mum has had cancer before so I knew it wasn't going to be a big thing to tell her -- she would know I'd come out on the other side okay and there'd be no crying or fuss. My dad though, he's the kind of person who is built to be a father -- he cares very deeply and he takes responsibility for everything. It nearly broke me to tell him. I felt like - by getting sick - I'd let him down. I guess in a way I still feel like that.
The next few days were a mess of phone calls, telling people who I hadn't spoken to for months but who -- apparently -- needed to know from me because it would be rude if they found out from someone else. It never got easier, "Oh hi, yah it's me. How've you been? ... oh that's good, good.. me? Oh, you know, working hard -- got a promotion at work a month or so ago so it's been crazy. Oh and you know what else! I have cancer! Craziest thing!" ... yeah.
Honestly that's something I find I'm still doing. Telling people because I feel like I'm obligated to, or pretending I'm okay on days when I'm really not, just because it would make people uncomfortable if I told the truth when they asked - uncaringly - "How are you?".
That's something that really gets to me, you know? Don't ask if you don't want a real answer. I am so angry and full of rage at the moment. I hurt. I'm nauseous. I'm tired. I really and truly do not have a single socially required "Fine thanks!" left in me and I really don't see why I should have to continue to offer them.
So anyway I guess I'll cut that post off here. Maybe I'll continue to recount what happened from then or maybe I'll just use this as a place to bitch or post about video games. Or maybe I just won't even bother posting at all, again. We'll see, I suppose.
xx. A.
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