So it's 3:25am and I'm sitting at my computer watching House, pretending it isn't Christmas.
I'm trying to be upbeat because tomorrow I have to go face a bunch of people who are happy about the day it is, but honestly I'd just prefer to skip the day entirely and go right on to getting up at 4am the NEXT day so I can spend 4 hours travelling and see my family.
It's horrible because I know they're trying to hard to make it a nice day, but it really just isn't the same and being around a bunch of people who are happy and trying to pretend to be happy as well is just going to make it 10x as bad, I can already tell.
I know I should be thankful because these people don't need to include me in their festivities, and I appreciate the thought. I guess just being away from my brothers in particular the last few Christmases has really gotten to me.. Boxing day can't come soon enough. =]
xx. A.
Saturday, December 25
Monday, December 20
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.. ?
It's been a bit over a week since I last blogged and I wish I could say it's because I've been off exploring the world, enjoying my days of non-radiation, going to the beach and just having fun.. but honestly, I've been sleeping. I'm so exhausted and I just have no energy to do anything.. I stumble from bed to my desk or the bathroom and I'm already SPENT. It's incredible. I'm working tomorrow so we'll see how that goes, but honestly even with the money in mind I am not looking forward to it at all.
I really did think once I stopped having treatments and it was over, everything would just go back to normal and life would officially be easy again.. how wrong I was. haha! I had a check out today and my doctor said I could expect this to span anywhere between 6 and 12 months and to aim for atleast TWELVE hours of sleep a day.. yeesh.
I'm not complaining though, I know my body is in recovery mode and I'm both grateful and awed that I made it to this point. So, I'll be patient for as long as I can, but Santa if you're out there I'd really love to be healthy for Christmas! Either that, or a MacBook Pro! You know, whatever's easier.
Speaking of Christmas people are finally starting to receive my cards, so if you haven't received yours yet be on the look out over the next few days! I was starting to worry because I sent them out well over 2 weeks ago now, and even with the silly season going on that's just ridiculous.
I'm going to aim to do another Project: Writers [Un]Block post this week, as I'm finally starting to feel the creative juices flowing again now that I'm not getting zapped again on a daily basis, and I've been writing a "people I know" post too which should go up in the next day or two!
Anyway I'm going to cut this short because I really don't have much to say, just wanted to let you all know I'm alive and kicking [more or less].
xx. A.
I really did think once I stopped having treatments and it was over, everything would just go back to normal and life would officially be easy again.. how wrong I was. haha! I had a check out today and my doctor said I could expect this to span anywhere between 6 and 12 months and to aim for atleast TWELVE hours of sleep a day.. yeesh.
I'm not complaining though, I know my body is in recovery mode and I'm both grateful and awed that I made it to this point. So, I'll be patient for as long as I can, but Santa if you're out there I'd really love to be healthy for Christmas! Either that, or a MacBook Pro! You know, whatever's easier.
Speaking of Christmas people are finally starting to receive my cards, so if you haven't received yours yet be on the look out over the next few days! I was starting to worry because I sent them out well over 2 weeks ago now, and even with the silly season going on that's just ridiculous.
I'm going to aim to do another Project: Writers [Un]Block post this week, as I'm finally starting to feel the creative juices flowing again now that I'm not getting zapped again on a daily basis, and I've been writing a "people I know" post too which should go up in the next day or two!
Anyway I'm going to cut this short because I really don't have much to say, just wanted to let you all know I'm alive and kicking [more or less].
xx. A.
Saturday, December 11
What a long, strange trip it's been.
I've started to write this entry about 3 times now and I keep tripping over my words or not quite expressing things the way I want to and it's so frustrating. I had my last treatment on Friday [yesterday] -- I'm 'unofficially' in remission. Of course I'll have to wait on some test results to make sure everything is done, but as far as my doctor is concerned [again, unofficially], I'm out of the woods.
I don't know how I feel. Exhausted primarily, but with undertones of pride, happiness, and hope. I was so scared throughout the last four months -- I'm 25, 25 year olds are supposed to have God complexes, fast cars and a drinking problem, not a life endangering illness. I didn't have it as bad as half the people in my group therapy circle, but I felt as though I was most in danger. Surely if I - at such a young age - could manage to be afflicted with something so deadly, it was a sign and I might not make it. I've never been so afraid in my life. Every cough, every rash, every headache felt like I was teetering on the edge.
But I made it. I fought hard and while I felt - so many times - that I couldn't go on, I refused to give up and here I am.
The credit for this doesn't all belong to me, though. I have some fantastic friends and family. People who forced me to have the strength I needed, and when I ran out, lent me theirs. I love you all so much and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay the great debt I owe, but I will try. These are people who have got up in the middle of the night to give me pain medicine, because I couldn't manage it myself. People who have forced me to get to hospital, even on days when it felt like I might have to crawl to make it to the bus stop. People who have cleaned my house and done my laundry. People who have called -- even though they have nothing new to say -- just because they know I'm lonely and need company. People who have been there for late night ranting and crying... I couldn't have asked for a better support network if I tried.
Anyway, looking to the future. I have high hopes. I'm not sure what life holds in store for me, but I will meet whatever it is head held high, knowing there is nothing anyone could throw at me that I can't handle or work through. This blog has been a huge help to me throughout this journey, and now I hope will help me move forward and grow, and heal.
On a slightly less serious note, I have to say: I'm disappointed that 2010 doesn't end in an "ee" sound, so I can't sound cool when I say "Cancer free since 2010".. "Cancer free since 2003" sounds so much cooler. FML. lol.
All my love,
xx. A.
I don't know how I feel. Exhausted primarily, but with undertones of pride, happiness, and hope. I was so scared throughout the last four months -- I'm 25, 25 year olds are supposed to have God complexes, fast cars and a drinking problem, not a life endangering illness. I didn't have it as bad as half the people in my group therapy circle, but I felt as though I was most in danger. Surely if I - at such a young age - could manage to be afflicted with something so deadly, it was a sign and I might not make it. I've never been so afraid in my life. Every cough, every rash, every headache felt like I was teetering on the edge.
But I made it. I fought hard and while I felt - so many times - that I couldn't go on, I refused to give up and here I am.
The credit for this doesn't all belong to me, though. I have some fantastic friends and family. People who forced me to have the strength I needed, and when I ran out, lent me theirs. I love you all so much and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay the great debt I owe, but I will try. These are people who have got up in the middle of the night to give me pain medicine, because I couldn't manage it myself. People who have forced me to get to hospital, even on days when it felt like I might have to crawl to make it to the bus stop. People who have cleaned my house and done my laundry. People who have called -- even though they have nothing new to say -- just because they know I'm lonely and need company. People who have been there for late night ranting and crying... I couldn't have asked for a better support network if I tried.
Anyway, looking to the future. I have high hopes. I'm not sure what life holds in store for me, but I will meet whatever it is head held high, knowing there is nothing anyone could throw at me that I can't handle or work through. This blog has been a huge help to me throughout this journey, and now I hope will help me move forward and grow, and heal.
On a slightly less serious note, I have to say: I'm disappointed that 2010 doesn't end in an "ee" sound, so I can't sound cool when I say "Cancer free since 2010".. "Cancer free since 2003" sounds so much cooler. FML. lol.
All my love,
xx. A.
Friday, December 3
Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ - Part 2.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! ... And while I'm going to be having a broke-ass one, I also lived to see it -- so I'm fairly excited about it. I've been making Christmas cards and listening to terrible Christmas albums, and even I'm putting up my tree today! All in all, I'm feeling very full of the holiday spirit [which is hilarious because not ONE week ago I was a huge grinch].
I feel like it's the perfect time for me to do another Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ post because people are looking for stuff to get for family, or to ask family for! And also I love window shopping, so there is that. Most of the items on this list are inspired by or from Shanalogic -- basically the most adorable store ever. Anyway, lets get to it!
The first thing I found I think would be more suited to the winter months or someone who doesn't live in Freaking Hot Queensland but it's adorable all the same and definitely merits a mention. It's the Dead Kitty Sleep Mask, by Le Neko Noir - omg Squee so cute!
I can just imagine crawling into bed in some cuddly flannell PJs, pulling this baby down over your eyes and falling immediately to sleep. Does that make me super morbid? It just feels like Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with Hello Kitty and these are both things I'm obsessed with, so naturally I'm in love.
The next one really speaks to childhood-me and brings back memories of spending hours on the floor building spaceships and castles and god knows what else [and also memories of stepping on pieces in the middle of the night -- oh my god OW!]. It's the adorable Retro Block Heart Necklace, by SapphireSquares. It comes in red or black but I definitely think the red is way cuter. I also really like that it's on a silver chain -- anyone who has known me for long enough to buy me jewellery will tell you that I think gold looks tacky.. so yah.. Adorable!
Speaking of things that really speak to childhood-me, I think this Happy Rain Cloud Pocket Mirror would be fantastic for any teenage girl relatives [hey I'm 25 and I'd definitely keep it in my bag for makeup touchups and whatnot] you might have, it's so cute and at only $6USD incredibly affordable. This is from the default Shana Logic line.
Another thing I think would be suited to people who don't live in OhMyGodHowIsItSoFreakingHot Queensland but deserves to be here anyway are these adorable Pink Stripey Armwarmers by MTcoffinz. They come in a load of different colours I just prefer the pink ones. I'm a big believer in wearing layers during winter and this would add a perfect little pop of colour to even the dullest wardrobe.
Slightly more expensive and definitely not along the same line, I've been eyeing off the Apple iPad recently. I have an iPhone so some of the services it can offer are fairly redundant, but I still think it would make a perfect gift for almost anyone. The idea of an 'electronic book' has always been an appealing one to me and unfortunately the iPhone screen is simply too small to perform that task effectively, and given that you can get a freaking PIMPED OUT one [64gb with case, keyboard and dock, and insurance] for less than $1000AUD I think it's fantastic value. Also, it's just so pretty. @_@
For myself I think I'd probably prefer just to save for a little bit longer and get the 15" MacBook Pro but I don't think the iPad should be dismissed altogether as a cheaper alternative that can perform most of the same tasks [gaming aside].
I could do this all day, random online windowshopping, but I'm off to the hospital! Today marks the 1-week-until-I-finish-Radiation point so I'm actually really excited to go and get it over with. Happy Christmas shopping to you all and don't forget, if you'd like a Christmas Card from yours truly just leave a comment with your home address [comments are screened so nobody else will see this]. Yay!
xx. A.
I feel like it's the perfect time for me to do another Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™ post because people are looking for stuff to get for family, or to ask family for! And also I love window shopping, so there is that. Most of the items on this list are inspired by or from Shanalogic -- basically the most adorable store ever. Anyway, lets get to it!
The first thing I found I think would be more suited to the winter months or someone who doesn't live in Freaking Hot Queensland but it's adorable all the same and definitely merits a mention. It's the Dead Kitty Sleep Mask, by Le Neko Noir - omg Squee so cute!
I can just imagine crawling into bed in some cuddly flannell PJs, pulling this baby down over your eyes and falling immediately to sleep. Does that make me super morbid? It just feels like Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with Hello Kitty and these are both things I'm obsessed with, so naturally I'm in love.
The next one really speaks to childhood-me and brings back memories of spending hours on the floor building spaceships and castles and god knows what else [and also memories of stepping on pieces in the middle of the night -- oh my god OW!]. It's the adorable Retro Block Heart Necklace, by SapphireSquares. It comes in red or black but I definitely think the red is way cuter. I also really like that it's on a silver chain -- anyone who has known me for long enough to buy me jewellery will tell you that I think gold looks tacky.. so yah.. Adorable!
Speaking of things that really speak to childhood-me, I think this Happy Rain Cloud Pocket Mirror would be fantastic for any teenage girl relatives [hey I'm 25 and I'd definitely keep it in my bag for makeup touchups and whatnot] you might have, it's so cute and at only $6USD incredibly affordable. This is from the default Shana Logic line.
Another thing I think would be suited to people who don't live in OhMyGodHowIsItSoFreakingHot Queensland but deserves to be here anyway are these adorable Pink Stripey Armwarmers by MTcoffinz. They come in a load of different colours I just prefer the pink ones. I'm a big believer in wearing layers during winter and this would add a perfect little pop of colour to even the dullest wardrobe.
Slightly more expensive and definitely not along the same line, I've been eyeing off the Apple iPad recently. I have an iPhone so some of the services it can offer are fairly redundant, but I still think it would make a perfect gift for almost anyone. The idea of an 'electronic book' has always been an appealing one to me and unfortunately the iPhone screen is simply too small to perform that task effectively, and given that you can get a freaking PIMPED OUT one [64gb with case, keyboard and dock, and insurance] for less than $1000AUD I think it's fantastic value. Also, it's just so pretty. @_@
For myself I think I'd probably prefer just to save for a little bit longer and get the 15" MacBook Pro but I don't think the iPad should be dismissed altogether as a cheaper alternative that can perform most of the same tasks [gaming aside].
I could do this all day, random online windowshopping, but I'm off to the hospital! Today marks the 1-week-until-I-finish-Radiation point so I'm actually really excited to go and get it over with. Happy Christmas shopping to you all and don't forget, if you'd like a Christmas Card from yours truly just leave a comment with your home address [comments are screened so nobody else will see this]. Yay!
xx. A.
Wednesday, December 1
No News is Good News.
It's been a while since I've made a blog post [actually, my last few have been pretty poor excuses for blogs] but coming toward the end of my radiation [I finish on Friday the 10th.. so close!] I'm really just so tired. By the time I drag myself in and out of the city everyday I've spent more energy than my body really has to offer. On top of that - as you might recall - I'm recovering from a fairly nasty chest infection which is taking its sweet time going the heck away.
My doctor is fairly happy with my progress and we're doing checkups every second day now to see where I'm at.. which is fantastic because it means 6 hours at a hospital.. yayy..
Life isn't all bad though, I recently had my eyes checked [they were terrible] and thanks to a very generous man in my life was able to get contact lenses, which is something I've dreamed about since I was 15. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think I suit glasses -- I look weird without them to be honest -- but there's a time and a place for them. Things like going out clubbing, swimming, anything where you're hot and sweaty, these are all things you can't really do with glasses as they'll end up getting smudgy or fogged up or smacked against your face by some random drunk person [trust me it happens] and breaking.. I don't plan on wearing them all the time [I got new glasses as well] but I'll definitely be making use of them on weekends or special events, things like that.
My Christmas Card project is going fairly well. I'm 21 in and still powering on.. You'd never think it was that big a deal, but I'm really not a "real life" social person. Like, I love Facebook and Twitter and email and all that jazz simply because there's no real EFFORT involved.. haha I'm so lazy. If you'd like to receive one of these cards, by the way, feel free to leave a comment with your address -- comments will be screened so nobody but me will see it.
Speaking of Internet, the newest World of Warcraft expansion pack comes out very shortly so I've been dabbling there a bit. I had, for the most part, quit, but the idea of new content and the overall cheapness of entertainment always draws me back in so I'm waiting with baited breath just like 1643894234 million others.
I guess that's really all I have. I haven't been blogging much because honestly, not much has been happening, I'm slowly dragging myself back to health and that requires a whole lot of sleep on my part. Once I'm feeling better I guess this blog will mean something new, it'll mean I made it and it'll be a record of it happening.. but I'm hoping to keep it going and work on the various projects I've started -- P:WuB, People I know, Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™, etc. Anyway stay safe and be happy, I'll be napping! <3
xx. A.
My doctor is fairly happy with my progress and we're doing checkups every second day now to see where I'm at.. which is fantastic because it means 6 hours at a hospital.. yayy..
Life isn't all bad though, I recently had my eyes checked [they were terrible] and thanks to a very generous man in my life was able to get contact lenses, which is something I've dreamed about since I was 15. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think I suit glasses -- I look weird without them to be honest -- but there's a time and a place for them. Things like going out clubbing, swimming, anything where you're hot and sweaty, these are all things you can't really do with glasses as they'll end up getting smudgy or fogged up or smacked against your face by some random drunk person [trust me it happens] and breaking.. I don't plan on wearing them all the time [I got new glasses as well] but I'll definitely be making use of them on weekends or special events, things like that.
My Christmas Card project is going fairly well. I'm 21 in and still powering on.. You'd never think it was that big a deal, but I'm really not a "real life" social person. Like, I love Facebook and Twitter and email and all that jazz simply because there's no real EFFORT involved.. haha I'm so lazy. If you'd like to receive one of these cards, by the way, feel free to leave a comment with your address -- comments will be screened so nobody but me will see it.
Speaking of Internet, the newest World of Warcraft expansion pack comes out very shortly so I've been dabbling there a bit. I had, for the most part, quit, but the idea of new content and the overall cheapness of entertainment always draws me back in so I'm waiting with baited breath just like 1643894234 million others.
I guess that's really all I have. I haven't been blogging much because honestly, not much has been happening, I'm slowly dragging myself back to health and that requires a whole lot of sleep on my part. Once I'm feeling better I guess this blog will mean something new, it'll mean I made it and it'll be a record of it happening.. but I'm hoping to keep it going and work on the various projects I've started -- P:WuB, People I know, Really Freaking Awesome Stuff™, etc. Anyway stay safe and be happy, I'll be napping! <3
xx. A.
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