Religious Holidays, chocolate, and I'm going to Hell.

I'm the first person to admit that if there IS a hell, I'll be working on my tan down there, hanging with Hitler, chillin' with Caesar.. I'm sure there'll be heaps of interesting people and where there's people there's food and goddamn do I love me a good buffet. 

I do lots of things that would earn me my room down there. I'm 25, unmarried and living with two guys. The last time I saw the inside of a church was one that had been refurbished into a Pancake Manor. I spend hours on my appearance every week. I have a massive online presence and am incredibly self aware. I don't donate to charity as often as I could or should. The list goes on and on.. However, I feel like the absolute coup de grace has to do with religious holidays and the way I choose to celebrate them. As such -- for ease of access [assuming the G man exists and wants a bit of a cheat sheet] -- I figured I'd share with my audience the way I celebrate the [few] religious holidays I even know about.

1. Easter [and thus inspiration for this post]. Easter has something to do with Jesus becoming a Zombie in a cave as far as I know and as far as I know there wasn't ANY chocolate involved [Zombies eat brains not bunnies, duh] and yet my method of celebrating this holiday is by gorging myself on Cadbury Creme Eggs and eating bunnies ears-first. Depending on the year I'll also add in a generous sleep in [not this year though, Top 100 Songs of the 90s!!].. which I feel MIGHT redeem me, since before Jesus apparently became a Zombie he was dead.. and death is kinda like sleeping.. right? Winner?

2. Christmas. I know a little bit more about the religious side of Christmas but I'd be lying if I said 90% of my knowledge didn't come from Christmas Carols I heard The Wiggles singing during Carols in the Domain. So apparently, baby Jesus was born in a stable because Mary and Joseph didn't book ahead and just expected there to be a room available on Christmas Eve. I mean, really? Anyway, some old dudes came and gave some super weird gifts [what the hell even IS Merr?], a little drummer boy played his drum [which I don't understand EITHER because every baby I've ever met has been super sensitive to noise, not to mention new mothers who are a whole nother species as far as I can tell].. and yeah, that's about it.

As far as I can tell we're supposed to go to Church Christmas Eve [or that's what was happening in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, anyway..], then again Christmas morning, and then again later in the day.  We're supposed to pray and eat bread and sing songs and spend time with family.

Now, what ACTUALLY happens is that I spend months leading up to Christmas spending money I can't really afford on presents, gift wrapping them for vanity sake, planning my outfit and makeup [also for vanity sake]. I watch Carols in the Domain Christmas Eve [which I guess is kinda like Church so maybe a winner there], I wake up and eat bacon and eggs and then open/give presents. Once I've made a huge mess of the living room, I take a nap til lunch when I wake up, gorge myself some more, get drunk and .. honestly the rest of every Christmas since I was 18 is a blur so I'm not sure what happens after that point.

Welp.

I just spent 10 minutes sitting here trying to think of another religious holiday and while I'm sure they exist I can't remember any, so lets just say that if there ARE any I probably abuse them in much the same manner as the above.

In conclusion, assuming there is a G-man, and a Hell. I'd like a room with a view, and if possible I'd prefer not to have to share with anyone. Thanks in advance!

xx. A.

Magical Teleporting Teeth. You read it right. MAGIC.

So, for the first time in god only knows how long, I went to the dentist yesterday. Dentists are people I've always had a weird sort of fear of, not because of the drills or the yanking of teeth or the weird gloves and face masks.. just because I always feel like they're judging me. Better than me because I might forget to brush before bed, and because I don't really understand flossing [though I try, valiantly!] and it really does seem like such a simple concept but seriously HOW the FUCK does it work? And god knows why else.

Anyway this fear led to years and years of me avoiding them and getting more and more fearful because of course, the longer I didn't go, the worse I thought my teeth were getting. I was quite literally shaking while sitting in the waiting room.

Enter Trent the Dentist. Trent the Dentist was the nicest, most laid back [and yet professional - you don't want a casual dentist fucking with your teeth in the same way you don't want a casual beautician waxing your girly bits] guy I've met in a super long time. For one, obviously, he asked me to call him by his first name. He was super friendly and made a bunch of stupid jokes that made me feel instantly more comfortable, and on top of that, he seemed to have a genuine love for what he was doing and took the time to explain it as he went, so there was no scary instruments or fingers coming at me out of the blue.

Basically it was the greatest medical experience I've had in my life, and lets face it, I've had a damned lot of those. 

Anyway meeting Trent the Dentist was not the greatest part of this visit. Finding out that I have MAGICAL FUCKING TEETH was the greatest part. Magical Teeth, you ask, how can teeth be magical, Amy? Well, dear reader, let me explain. The last time I saw a dentist was because my wisdom teeth were starting to break through and were pressing on my back teeth and causing me a HUGE amount of pain. However, old-dentist was freaking expensive and I couldn't afford to have them removed, so he just gave me a pain prescription and I went on my merry way, drinking liberally to make the meds work faster/better.

5 or so years later I go to meet Trent the Dentist and he asks about my wisdoms. I mention I think they went back down because they hadn't caused me any trouble in ages, he looks confused and orders an xray. Xray completed... MY WISDOM TEETH ARE GONE. VANISHED. LITERALLY NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Magical teleporting teeth. Trent the Dentist even ordered additional Xrays and an OCG [whatever that is] under the assumption that maybe the first one had missed something. Nope. I just have MAGICAL FUCKING TEETH. My wisdom teeth teleported from my head -- I don't know where to -- maybe they're living it up on a beach in Hawaii somewhere right now, talking about the old days when they'd torture me while I tried to sleep.

And you thought YOU were cool.. Psh. 

xx. A.

Life, love and other stuff.

Life has been weird lately. I know I make excuse after excuse for not posting here but I feel as though the last 2-3 weeks I've had genuine reasons.. although that said, I'm probably not going to go into great detail here about it.

I feel as though my life - at the moment - is a great big puzzle that I'm trying to complete without having the picture from the front of the box as a guide to know what exactly it is I'm making. Pretty cryptic, right? You have no idea.

Some stuff is great! My current role at work is pretty full on by comparison to what I've been doing ever since I got sick. Lots of learning new things, and lots of trying to convince other people to do their jobs so that I, in turn, can do mine. I'm really enjoying it to be honest, but I'll be glad when the 3rd of May comes along and I move on to something new because I don't enjoy the bitchy mc'bitch that I become in order to get my job done. I think some people can pull off the "firm, disapproving teacher" approach -- but I am definitely not one of them.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing after that! Such is the nature of my line of work, very rarely do I know what I'll be doing at the end of one assignment until days, sometimes hours beforehand. I've learned to become at least a little trusting in 'the powers that be' [by this I mean my agent, and not He Who Must Not Be Named] now, so for the most part I just go with it.

My living situation is another that's somewhat up in the air. There's some stuff going on in my life that I'm not ready to talk about yet [incase it blows up in my face] but it makes the whole decision making process a lot more complicated than it would otherwise have been, you know? So.. long and short of it, I think I have plans as to where I'll be living in the near future.. and I'm happy about it.

Anyway all this cloak and daggers stuff is very lame, so let me instead talk about the fact that there are no less than four movies out/coming out in the next few weeks that I want to see. This is almost unheard of -- I'm generally a "see it at home, if I can even be bothered to do that" kind of girl. I suspect I'm going to make a habit of going to the movies of a weekend - at least for the next few weeks. Yay for being social and yay for movies I actually want to watch!

Sooo.. it's 10:41pm and I should probably go to sleep. This has been more of a non-update than anything but I felt as though my blog deserved some love, as it's been sooo long since I posted here. Goodnight moon. =]

xx. A.