Religious Holidays, chocolate, and I'm going to Hell.

I'm the first person to admit that if there IS a hell, I'll be working on my tan down there, hanging with Hitler, chillin' with Caesar.. I'm sure there'll be heaps of interesting people and where there's people there's food and goddamn do I love me a good buffet. 

I do lots of things that would earn me my room down there. I'm 25, unmarried and living with two guys. The last time I saw the inside of a church was one that had been refurbished into a Pancake Manor. I spend hours on my appearance every week. I have a massive online presence and am incredibly self aware. I don't donate to charity as often as I could or should. The list goes on and on.. However, I feel like the absolute coup de grace has to do with religious holidays and the way I choose to celebrate them. As such -- for ease of access [assuming the G man exists and wants a bit of a cheat sheet] -- I figured I'd share with my audience the way I celebrate the [few] religious holidays I even know about.

1. Easter [and thus inspiration for this post]. Easter has something to do with Jesus becoming a Zombie in a cave as far as I know and as far as I know there wasn't ANY chocolate involved [Zombies eat brains not bunnies, duh] and yet my method of celebrating this holiday is by gorging myself on Cadbury Creme Eggs and eating bunnies ears-first. Depending on the year I'll also add in a generous sleep in [not this year though, Top 100 Songs of the 90s!!].. which I feel MIGHT redeem me, since before Jesus apparently became a Zombie he was dead.. and death is kinda like sleeping.. right? Winner?

2. Christmas. I know a little bit more about the religious side of Christmas but I'd be lying if I said 90% of my knowledge didn't come from Christmas Carols I heard The Wiggles singing during Carols in the Domain. So apparently, baby Jesus was born in a stable because Mary and Joseph didn't book ahead and just expected there to be a room available on Christmas Eve. I mean, really? Anyway, some old dudes came and gave some super weird gifts [what the hell even IS Merr?], a little drummer boy played his drum [which I don't understand EITHER because every baby I've ever met has been super sensitive to noise, not to mention new mothers who are a whole nother species as far as I can tell].. and yeah, that's about it.

As far as I can tell we're supposed to go to Church Christmas Eve [or that's what was happening in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, anyway..], then again Christmas morning, and then again later in the day.  We're supposed to pray and eat bread and sing songs and spend time with family.

Now, what ACTUALLY happens is that I spend months leading up to Christmas spending money I can't really afford on presents, gift wrapping them for vanity sake, planning my outfit and makeup [also for vanity sake]. I watch Carols in the Domain Christmas Eve [which I guess is kinda like Church so maybe a winner there], I wake up and eat bacon and eggs and then open/give presents. Once I've made a huge mess of the living room, I take a nap til lunch when I wake up, gorge myself some more, get drunk and .. honestly the rest of every Christmas since I was 18 is a blur so I'm not sure what happens after that point.

Welp.

I just spent 10 minutes sitting here trying to think of another religious holiday and while I'm sure they exist I can't remember any, so lets just say that if there ARE any I probably abuse them in much the same manner as the above.

In conclusion, assuming there is a G-man, and a Hell. I'd like a room with a view, and if possible I'd prefer not to have to share with anyone. Thanks in advance!

xx. A.