Captains Log, Stardate 43198.7.

I'm really not sure where to start today, it's been a while since I've actually done a journal-format blog and it seems it is incredibly easy to fall out of practice! 

Life has been such a rollercoaster the last few weeks I really don't know where to start. It's incredible.

- I started sleeping REALLY badly.. I'd hear a bump in the night and that was it, no more sleep for me. I was averaging around 2 hours sleep a night. It was rough.

- My job contract was coming to a close.

- I'd applied for another job in the same building which I thought I had a fairly good chance of getting but was passed over for it.

- Money was tight, I didn't get paid one week because of a fail at paperwork.

... just a culmination of all those things AND more meant I was slowly getting more and more depressed. But suddenly it was as though I hit an upswing and BAM! -

- The job I'd applied for became available again and was I was picked!

- I went to dogsit at a friends house and suddenly I could sleep again, convincing myself that it was the dogs who made any weird noises I heard.

- I lost 5kgs since the start of this month!

- Karen and Neil got back [yay!] and brought me an AWESOME Captains hat from on their cruise ship. It is 12:15am and I have still yet to take it off. Best. Hat. Ever.

- Pokemon Black and White came out finally! Aaaah I'm such a geek.

.. Anyway I realise that's not actually a lot of good things but honestly just the job thing has made me feel as though this immense weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's a fairly short contract - only two months-ish - but there's a chance of extension and it's a learning experience so it will make my resume look much more attractive. On top of that, it means I can stay in Brisbane!! I had almost resigned myself to the fact I'd be returning to Sydney with my tail between my legs in the near future, and while I would dearly love to spend some time with James, I really wanted to make this work.

So yeah.. life is good right now. There's still lots of stress and uncertainty, but I can say at the very least, this has been a good week and I am sleeping so much more soundly for it.

I can't be bothered typing anymore cause I kinda wanna go sleep [seeing as I can do it now!] so here's a photo montage of the last few weeks! Not even a little bit in order cause I cbf.. 

xx. A

10 Reasons I Suck At Being A Girlfriend

Lots of people commented that the man I described in my last post didn't exist - that he was perfect and I expect too much and surely I don't think I'M that perfect.

I don't expect that any one man will fulfil criteria 1-10, and I know that even if he did the chances of him wanting to be with ME would be incredibly slim since I don't tick all those boxes, myself. I figured maybe I would make a post to show that I don't think I'm perfect - I know I have flaws. The last post was just a bit of a laugh, something to think about, you know?

Anyway, no holds barred, here we go:



10 Reasons I Suck At Being A Girlfriend

1. I'm a firm believer in double standards [mine, not yours].

2. I'm incredibly self conscious. Don't try to play or joke around about my looks or my personality or my job, my life, anything really, because I will take it personally and we will fight. That said, it's perfectly okay for me to make fun/play tease about your life/job/looks/penis. See point one for detail.

3. I hate conflict. I will flat out ignore you to avoid having an argument. That said, if you push me too far and keep nagging/yelling/talking it will eventually tip me over the edge, I'll lose control and yell and become completely unreasonable.

4. I hate sharing a bed. I like to sleep cocooned up in the blankets, completely tucked in on all sides. This isn't possible when sharing a bed with someone. I also like to sleep on my side, cuddling a pillow. The pillow cannot be replaced with a person. If I can't sleep exactly as described, I'll be ... crabby.

5. I'm the opposite of a housewife. I hate to cook, I abhor cleaning, I don't take any pride whatsoever in the presentation of my home. In my last apartment I had lived there for over a year and never hung a single photo or made a single attempt to personalise the house whatsoever. A house is somewhere you go after work to eat and sleep, nothing more.

6. Most of my friends are guys. I don't see a problem with that. I'm naturally a fairly flirty person so sometimes a guy will get the wrong idea and develop feelings for me. I won't stop talking to them, I'll just wait for them to get over it. I will get shitty at you if you bring this up. All that said, I will be incredibly uncomfortable with you having female friends. Please see point one for detail.

7. I love my family. My family will always be more important than you ever could be. I will always prioritise them over you.

8. I will ignore you until I want attention, and at that point, I want it immediately. I will expect you to drop whatever you are doing in order to spend time with me, until I get bored at which point you can feel free to leave. Immediately.

9. I dislike being touched. I can handle the occasional hug but don't try to hold my hand or snuggle up to me. Don't invade my personal space, it's very important to me.

10. I'm never wrong. Anything that ever goes wrong is your fault. You started every argument. You caused every conflict. You left the light on. You didn't lock the door. Etc, etc.



So there you have it. There's lots of things I cut out because they overlapped other reasons, but mostly I just think 10 is a good number for "reasons" posts. If I was going to put just one more in there I'd probably have "11. I know all of the above and I don't make any real attempt to change it/improve". Which, lets face it, is worse than having all of those faults in the first place.

Anyway, I'm home sick with a head cold [again -- damn you terrible immune system] so I'm going to curl up and watch some TV or maybe do some reading/get some sleep. Hope you're all well!

xx. A.

The Perfect Man.

So I'm staying at a friends house while I try to figure out what to do with myself, and she's currently on a 2 week cruise [I know, right? Some people live in fantasy worlds!]. I don't really like being alone, I'm scared of the dark and it's not really a place I'm comfortable in yet, so I've been watching lots of Movies/TV in place of reading, simply because the background noise makes me more comfortable.

Anyway yesterday I watched "The Ugly Truth" which - aside from having Izzy [or Katherine Heigl or whatever her real name is] playing YET another character who is essentially EVERY OTHER CHARACTER SHE HAS EVER PLAYED - was not an altogether waste of time. I quite literally laughed out loud at various points which rarely happens with movies or TV [I admit it, my lol's are usually exaggeration].  The character Izzy plays is a neurotic control freak and has a list of traits a man must possess in order for her to be interested. I'm far from a neurotic control freak but I thought it was an interesting idea, not only that but one of my high school journals contained a similar list so I thought it was probably time to update that!

Please keep in mind that none of this is targeted at anyone. The commentary is generalised and if you're reading through thinking "oh my god is she talking about me?! does she think I'm pathetic?!" the answer is no, I'm not talking about you but if you continue to be so paranoid, then maybe, I might think you're pathetic. =P



The Perfect [or at least datable] Partner

1. Be smart. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I need someone who is both intelligent and educated. Things like the differences between "your" and "you're", and "there", "their" and "they're" MATTER. Oh and for the LOVE of god, be well spoken. Accents make me go on a murderous rage. I know you can't help where you were born, but the word is "driving" not "drivin", "MonDAY" not "Mundee" and "my" not "me" [except the obvious times when it's 'me'.. but still, you get my point].

2. Have a sense of humour similar to my own. The only place I should ever need to censor myself is at work - and honestly, even THAT blows. I don't want someone I need to 'behave' around or someone who won't get my particular brand of 'lols'.

3. Non smoker, non coffee drinker. Unfortunately this is mandatory. The smell of both of these make me think of my childhood, and frankly, nauseous.

4. Be headed somewhere. Career vs Job. I don't have a problem with someone slumming it in their teens or while they finish uni. But I think there comes a point where you need to make an active decision to become an adult and move into "career" mode. I don't want to rent my house forever, and my future partner working at Woolworth's as a trolley boy is something that would hold me back from actualising that dream. [I feel like I shouldn't have to say it, but have a full time job - I don't want or need someone to support me, but I don't expect to need to support you, either. Not only that but what kind of example are you setting by living at home and letting your parents support you? How do I know you CAN be a man if you've never done anything but be a child?].

5. Have GOALS. I don't care if it's to own your own business, build a house, have a family, build a time machine.. whatever. But be working toward something. I want someone who thinks beyond "work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, get drunk on weekend".

6. Have similar interests to my own. No relationship will last if the only common ground you have is the sex.

7. On that note, don't suck at the sex part. Sorry, but if I'm tying myself to someone for the rest of my life, this is important.

8. Be independent. I want a partner, not a child. Of course I want to spend time with you, but I want to know that if I don't feel like going out one weekend you'll just go out with friends or find something else to do, rather than raging up and pouting at me.

9. Be confident. Not jerk level confident - just, "confident and sexy" confident. Whiney needy people are the opposite of appealing.

10. Be understanding of my dysfunction. I'm crazy, I admit it now. I have all kinds of flaws and double standards. I'm willing to try and work on them, but sometimes there's not a lot I can do to contain my crazy, so you need to make a few allowances.



I'm sure as soon as I submit that I'll think of 10 more things to add to that list, or to edit into pre-existing traits. But anyway, Amy out!

xx. A.

Changes - they are a'comin'.

Well, I don't want to get into specifics here. I'd like to keep my personal life at least a little bit personal.

In any case, I'm moving out of my current place of residence. I'm not sure exactly of the details, where I'll end up in the long term, but for now - tomorrow - I'm moving in to my "twin" Karens spare room. I've spent since Friday afternoon packing and cleaning and wow.. is it emotional.

It's weird, I've only lived here for a year and a few months but this was probably the most 'home-y' my house has ever been. I've never really been the put-pictures-on-the-wall and have-vases-of-fresh-flowers kinda girl but I have to say, this is probably the most comfortable I've ever been.

Not only that but Steven has been such a huge part of my life for so long now. It's going to be weird not knowing how he's doing. Things haven't been great between us for a long time, but I'm going to be worried about him, and I will miss him.

I'm concerned about money, on top of all that. I have lots.. and LOTS of debt.. I'm not really sure how I'm going to manage to save for bond, and all the stuff you need for a new house. Karen and her boyfriend are fantastic and I doubt they'd throw me out but I don't want to overstay my welcome. I hate to beg, but if you had ever intended clicking the "feed me" button - now is the time.

Anyway, just thought I'd put a quick message up to say I might not blog too often [no real change there] for the next few weeks while I figure my shit out. That said, I might blog 10x as much because I'm lonely.. I guess we'll see.

xx. A.

10 Reasons Why I Hate Facebook.

Disclaimer: Please don't get offended if you commit any of the crimes 1-10 and are on my friends list. The majority of these things only annoy me if I'm already in a bad mood [which, granted, happens a lot... lol] and really it's not up to you or anyone else to censor yourself on your own Facebook. This is just a bit of a rant to help me stay sane.. :P

Anyway, without further ado:

10 reasons I freaking abhor Facebook:

1.  The millions and zillions of updates by my cousins/younger people on my friends list/people in general who seem to have nothing better to do that are simply them "liking" things like -- "Like this status if your name starts with A, C, D, E, F, G, K, L, N, O, P, V, W, X, Y, Z" or "I hate that I love you", or something equally as stupid/frustrating.

2.  The updates by new parents/not working parents who seem to think everyone on their friends list cares that their child has pooped 3 times, today.

3. Invites to causes like "Stop Child Abuse in Australia". Don't get me wrong, child abuse disgusts me but HOW THE FORK does me joining a group on Facebook do anything but spam and annoy the people on my friends list?

4. The emo status updates that go down like this: "I'm so sad and lonely, goddamn, nobody loves me. Comment or text me if you actually give a damn about me." I'm sorry, but even if I DID give a damn if you killed yourself [I don't] I wouldn't text or comment you except maybe to call you a sad, stupid little girl/boy. Blatant attention seeking like this leads me to believe that you need to be slapped, not rewarded. It'd be like patting a dog after it peed on my bed. I'm sorry you're sad, really I am - we've all been there - but things like "comment or text if you actually give a damn about me"? Damn, girl.. you need to be less of a Stephen King psychopath.

5. While we're on the topic of emo status updates, anything talking about how bad your life is. I'm sorry, but when you're healthy, employed/going to school, living at home with practically no expenses whatsoever -- your life is awesome and you need to grow the fork up and stop being such a spoilt, unappreciative brat. Don't get me wrong, I've made my fair share of emo posts in my time but I've also had Cancer.. so I think my emo was well deserved.

6. Any photo with poorly photoshopped motos/sayings/lyrics on them. I'm sorry but really, people? And if you absolutely MUST do it, for the love of god at least get the your/you're or their/there/they're you're using right! FFS!

7. Mass Messages. I do not give a damn what the reason for it is, I don't want it. I don't care if I could win $1,000,000.00 from reading it, it isn't worth the next 5 weeks of facebook notifications that are simply stupid people replying saying "oh that's great, btw how are you?" or something along those lines that I frankly don't give a flying fork about.

8. "Secret" statuses. I don't care what colour your bra is, where you keep your bag or what your relationship status is. And by the way NOBODY ELSE DOES, EITHER. Posting the colour of your bra doesn't raise breast cancer awareness - it just makes you sound like a slut. Telling us where your bag is doesn't .. do whatever it was supposed to do.. it just makes you SOUND like a slut. And putting a random alcoholic beverage in your status to symbolise your relationship status is equally as stupid -- for one thing, we can SEE your relationship status in the details of your profile.. and for two, what does an alcoholic beverage of ANY kind have to do with ANYONES relationship status unless being-a-drunk-whore-and-going-home-with-anyone-who'll-have-you is included in there, as a nice little heads up to the guys on your facebook friends list. Seriously!

9. The awkwardness when someone you don't like/is friends with a friend of yours/your parents/brothers/whatever but you don't really KNOW them, adds you. I feel super bad saying no to the request but at the same time I don't actually give a damn about them and now I'm going to have to listen to them do things-I-hate 1-8 everyday, over and over..

10. The fact that facebook is freaking addictive. I could get rid of all the above annoyances if I just left facebook or deleted the people who commit crimes 1-9... but I'm so curious! I'd rather know about the evil than leave and wonder.. it's like a train wreck.. it's horrible and gory and people are screaming and dying all over the place, but I can't.. look.. . away. GAH.


xx. A.

Busy life is busy!!

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written for the entire month of February! My dad just sent me a Facebook message saying "How's it going" so I guess that means I am more than overdue for a new blog!

Soooo, life! I've been slowly recovering from the trauma placed on my body last year. I'm getting every cold, flu, infection, etc under the sun, but I'm also -- very slowly -- starting to have more energy, having less 15-hour-sleep marathons, starting to get out and do things with my friends.. honestly? I'm feeling great!

I made a promise to myself, toward the end of my radiation, that I was going to start to 'live life' more than I ever have. And while I've definitely been taking it one step at a time, I'd like to think I've been having a fairly solid crack at it!

I've been working almost everyday [with the exception of staying home to nurse whatever cold, flu, infection, etc my lack-of-immune-system hasn't protected me from this week] which has led to me feeling a lot more productive and pulled me out of the almost-depression I was in. My work life is amazing. I love my boss, I love my job. I love the people who work with me [mostly..]. I feel as though this is a place where I fit in, and I am appreciated. Some days I have to drag myself out of bed, force myself to shower and almost crawl to the bus stop, but by midday - after an hour or two - I feel better just for BEING there and DOING something other than sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself and whatever illness I have this week.

I've also been getting out a lot! Last weekend I stayed at my twin, Karens house and had an absolute blast. Hours upon hours of shoe/clothes shopping [I managed to not buy anything, but I lovelovelove being a fashion consultant! haha] in a mall that is quite literally bigger than my hometown. Lots of geeking out. AIR CONDITIONING. Sushi Train, Wagamamas, MEXICAN FOOD! Seriously, this woman feeds me better than any person on the planet ever has [except maybe my dad, who makes a wicked baked dinner].

This weekend I went to a BBQ at Karens boyfriends sisters, who I'll be house sitting for while they all abandon me in favour of a 2 week cruise to New Zealand and back! I'm really looking forward to it because - once again - AIR CONDITIONING! woohoo! haha. But yeah, BBQ was amazing - great food, great wine, great company! We ended the night off watching a few episodes of The Mentalist and playing a spot of WoW.

Then, last night I went to the Albion Comedy Club for Karlees birthday. One of the comedians was only 17 or so and was discussing the various rites of passage into manhood among different cultures. He joked that last week he had opened a jar of salsa in ONE TWIST and therefore, among Australians, was now a man. I almost wet myself. Maybe you had to be there. Anyway it was going quite well and I was enjoying a fabulous meal of Beef and Guineas [spelling?] pie, mashed potato & salad, when the power to the ENTIRE BLOCK went out! We waited about 45 minutes and the room gradually got hotter and hotter to the point where makeup was literally running down peoples faces in little rainbow rivulets. Eventually the announcer got up and said that the show had to be cancelled but gave everyone free tickets to come back another night. All in all, not too bad and I got 2 tickets when I had only originally paid for 1. Score!

Anyway this blog has definitely been all over the place. I'm off to do a bit of cleaning seeing as my room was spotless last weekend and in just 5 days is covered in clothes again.. typical. Anyway, here are some pictures from the last few weeks!

xx. A.

People I know - #3.

If you were to see me and my dad together today there's a few things you might not believe. For instance, we clashed a lot when I was younger. He had problems with alcohol and anger management and I was an obnoxious teenager who didn't know when to stop pushing. It came to a head when I was about 16. It was probably one of the scariest events of my life. 

The thing is, I think it was a wake up call for him. He started going to meetings and he tried SO HARD to get me to forgive him. And for a long time I couldn't -- I couldn't even look at him without bursting into tears. It was hard. But he kept trying. I pushed him away and I called him names and he KEPT trying. We slowly started to develop something of a relationship again, but I ended up moving away - first 8 hours away, and then to another country. We didn't talk much, for a long while.

At some point he and mum broke up [and eventually divorced] and -- to my shock -- he kept trying. Something most people wouldn't know is that he's not my biological dad. When he and mum separated I honestly thought his will to rebuild our relationship would just disappear. I was so wrong and when I count my blessings I count my BIGGEST blessing that my idiot father Steven was stupid enough to let me go so that I could be lucky enough to end up a dad like mine.

When I came back from America my dad was there for me. From that day onward he has been my ROCK. From taking me in and letting me stay with him, rent free, for as long as it took for me to put my life together.. to buying me shoes because I had none, to taking me to Doctors appointments when my health started to fall apart.. To hugging me and telling me that the world wasn't going to fall apart because my ex boyfriend didn't love me anymore. 

This is the man who has moved my entire house, almost single handedly, 3 times now -- and once across state lines in a 27 hour round trip with no sleep. The man who flew me home so I wouldn't be away from my family for the holidays.  This is the man who I could hear holding back tears when I told him I had been diagnosed with cancer -- who immediately told me to come home and he would take care of everything. When I refused to come home and insisted on staying put, this is the man who called me almost every second day to check I was ok.

This is the man who -- when the floods happened a few weeks ago -- was on the phone to me the minute he found out I might be in danger. Who demanded I SMS him the moment I finally get home, when I was stranded in the city. This is the man who has always offered to help, before he even really knew what was wrong.

This is my dad. My amazing dad. All these years later I look back and I think to myself, the rough start was worth it. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, it's never fast. We have a fantastic relationship and I love this man more than any other person on the planet. My dad was worth the work.

I love you daddy.

xx. A.

People I know - #2.

So a long, long time ago I started this supposed 'series' during which I would describe the people in my life. The idea was that I would give a description and not a name [though my first and only attempt I gave away], maybe once a week or fortnight, of someone who means something to me. Anyway this is my second [third, technically, though I kept my last one set to private for fear of repercussions from the person in question] attempt.

Person #2

Person 2 makes me want to get a dog. I'm not really sure I can explain the reasoning behind it, but I always come away from our conversations wishing I had a puppy. Riddle me THAT.

Person 2 is an old soul. Someone who -- I imagine -- would have made a fantastic Knight of Solamnia.
He is the kind of person who will readily lend a jacket, open a door, or forfeit his seat to a lady in his company.
He is someone I share many an interest with. From tastes in books, to movies, food, ways to spend an evening, the list goes on and on.

He is someone who is very determined, often to the point of being stubborn -- but I did mention that we were quite alike, so that makes a lot of sense, really.
He possesses an incredible strength of will that I am utterly in awe of.
Person 2 - in many ways - reminds me of a mother grizzly bear. He is fiercely protective of those he loves, to the point of being scary from an outsiders point of view. He will fight to the death in order to preserve those who mean the most to him. Also, he's cranky when he first wakes up, and he's built for bear-hugs!

Person 2 is your typical newspaper 'love connection' cliche. While he is not - strictly speaking - an outdoorsman, he enjoys romantic walks by the beach, picnics in the park, wandering hand-in-hand at sunset with no particular destination in mind.
He believes in marriage, happily-ever-afters.
I honestly think that people who don't know him quite so well as I wouldn't see that. He's a private person when it comes to matters of the heart -- or at least that is my understanding of him.
He believes in honour and above all, respect.

I'll never forget Person 2 trying to give me tech support. I can't even remember what was broken at the time, all I remember is that he knew what he was saying, and I knew what I was saying, but somehow the two never met. It makes me grin, every time.
Person 2 is someone I've known a long time, and someone who I immensely disliked at the beginning of our relationship. It's strange, really, how fine the line between friends and enemies can be.

xx. A.

The first Blind Date I've been on in years..

Something I've noticed lots of authors do in either FAQ pages, advice to people, interviews and whatnot, is say that the best research and practice for writing is reading. And really, it makes sense. If you want to learn how to put a car together, it makes sense to see what different cars look like when they've been assembled by an expert.

Inspired by this [and overjoyed by the fact that my ability to concentrate for more than 2 seconds at a time seems to be returning (albeit slowly)], I've been reading a LOT. Anything I can get my hands on, really.. Old books I've read [what feels like] thousands of times, new books from authors I love, books from authors I don't even know! I've even been doing something that feels really reckless to a bookworm like me, and that's taking book advice without actually doing any research. So far I'm 3 for 3 [or 5 for 5 if you go by book and not author] and I'm really impressed with how much I've loved these books that are pretty much the equivalent of 'blind dates'. That is -- books a friend thought I might like, that I've never heard of and know nothing about.

Anyway, I've been raving about all of these books on pretty much every social media available to me so I thought why not do a bit of a little write up about them here! Who knows, maybe someone who reads this might be interested!

The first of my 'dates' was a trilogy of books recommended to me by Karen [otherwise known as My Twin -- and so I suppose maybe this doesnt fall under 'blind date' because it stands to reason that if she likes it, I will too (that seems to be the case for most things. haha!)], The Black Jewels trilogy by Anne Bishop. I read the first of these while I was on vacation. I started reading out of boredom but then was so completely captivated that I went on to read the first and second book within 2 days of eachother [no small feat, they're almost 500 pages a piece and I had to fit sleep in there somewhere, too]!

I would classify the Black Jewels books as 'typical me' reads. I tend to be very drawn to the Dragonlance style book. Sara Douglass, Robin Hobb, Raymond E Feist.. these authors all feature prominantly in my personal library and I feel Anne Bishop fits very nicely among them, when it comes to not only writing style but also what they write about. Of course their concepts are unique, but these worlds are made up of fantasy and magic - unicorns, elves, etc. This is a 'typical me' book.

The second [or fourth if you don't count all three Anne Bishop Books as one] 'date' I had was completely on a whim. I had been recommended this book [and series - I seem to be incapable of reading books that stand alone] by a few people but it was very much at the back of my list. Anyway chance presented this book to myself and so I found myself reading Marked by P.C. and Kristin Cast [of the House of Night series]. Honestly this book has been named as copying Harry Potter, copying Twilight, copying every young adults book or series under the sun but I think for what it is [comfortable fluff -- there's no real substance to the book but it's a good story and a good read if you arent needing anything too intelligent] it's fantastic.

Lastly -- but certainly not least -- The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I literally put this book down 30 minutes ago after a 5 hour straight reading frenzy in which I didn't come up for air until I was done and my head is still spinning with how well written, intense and scary this novel was. I knew this book was popular in nerdy circles on the internet but I honestly had no idea what an impact it would have on me. I'm actually going to reread it [maybe even tonight].. it was THAT good. I picked this book as a 'pallet cleanser' - it isn't the kind of book I'd typically go for. But oh-my-gosh am I glad I had blind faith in those around me to pick this one up. Fantastic. Amazing. Breathtaking. I cannot say enough good words.

I don't want to ruin any of these 'blind dates' by giving you an explaination of the plot. I think that would ruin the fun of it. But give it a go - if you're going to try only one I would strongly, strongly recommend you pick The Hunger Games. In the world we live in, everyone needs to read it atleast once.

I'm still so fuzzy and submerged in this book, so I'm going to cut it short there. To recap:

The Black Jewels trilogy - Anne Bishop
Marked - P.C. and Kristin Cast
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins

Read something. Tomorrow! You won't regret it.

xx. A.

Rain, rain, go away..

So it's raining here. And when I say it's raining, I mean, it's raining. For the first few days it was annoying -- Queensland is so warm that even when it rains it tends to be incredibly humid.. the rain hits the roads, sizzles and rises back up.. It's so weird, having the sky falling around you and still being SO HOT you don't want to wear a jacket or any clothes that aren't absolutely necessary.

After about half a week it started to cool down though and for a little while I was enjoying it. The cool weather was a nice change from constantly feeling as though at any minute you might topple over and die from heat exhaustion. I also lovelovelove the sound of rain outside my window while I'm falling asleep, so I had a few nights of fantastic sleep there.

Now though, it's getting a little out of hand. My cold has come back and -- in true My Life fashion -- my dryer has chosen this fantastic time to die. Normally it'd be fine, since it's so warm clothes would dry within minutes of being put out.. but it's so cold and oddly humid at the same time that clothes are literally starting to smell before they dry. It's so frustrating! Ah the trials and tribulations of My Life. haha.

Back to work tomorrow and I'm excited! Last week was surprisingly not-too-painful. I mean, I was exhausted but I had expected that so it was easy to work around [energy drinks rock]. I had expected it to be awkward inserting myself back into worklife after so long of not working/being unreliable, but I guess I picked the right time to come back since everyone was returning from holidays, so I'm only as awkward as the people around me.. and that's nice.

I have a checkup on the 17th which is a week from today. I'm both nervous and excited. I kept saying the Cancer didn't define me.. but after 4 months, it really did become my life. I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write about and I've just got nothing. I spend my days reading and watching TV and just recovering from the hell my body just went through, so I'm really not too interesting at all.

I've almost finished up with another "People I know" post but it's sensitive so I want it to be 'right' before I post it. I know I said last week, but it should be up this week, for realsies. A couple of people have mentioned they'd like me to post more and I am trying, but remember I have a twitter and I tend to post there 43294892308423 times a day, if you're missing me. =]

Anyway it's 12:34am.. I need to be awake in 6 hours to go pwn it up at the D of TMR! I can't wait! Night world!

xx. A.

"Feed me" button..

So, I thought about this for a long time before I did it. While I was having treatment in particular, and struggling to stay above water I had so many people suggest that I put a paypal button on my website somewhere but I was always way too proud and I figured things would fall into place eventually. I'm still proud [this is killing me to write] and I still think -- eventually -- things will get better.. the thing is, they aren't getting better fast enough. I can't keep up and things keep going wrong and even I have to admit, I need help.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys asking for anything. It literally makes me nausious to even think about borrowing money and so I guess this is the cowards way out, in a way. There is atleast 1 person in my life I could ask for financial aid and he would -- without question -- offer it, but I wouldn't. I'd find a way, instead.

Anyway this post isn't about guilting people into clicking that button. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how I'm hungry and my dryer died and I owe XYZ money to XYZ companies. I'm just going to say that anything that could be spared would be greatly appreciated.

All that said, I'm not going to mention that button again. It'll be there in the side bar, but I'm not going to openly 'advertise' it or whatever, after this post. I just wanted to explain that I'm not a sell out, I'm not begging, I'm just recovering and it's taking significantly more time, effort and money than I ever thought it would.

xx. A.

Obsession.

So, music is a big part of my life. I always have my iPod/phone with me, I'm usually listening to something if I'm at my computer.. I have quite literally had an argument in my head, with myself, about whether I should watch an episode of something and lost the argument because I'm enjoying listening to my music too much to turn it off for a simple TV show.

I've always been the kind of person who listens to a song once and knows it off by heart, which has been a huge note of pride in the song of my life, by the way. Unfortunately, part of that 'gift' is that I become obsessed with songs after just one listen - sometimes it doesnt even take that first listen. It can just be a few lines from a verse, or a catchy chorus, either way, I'm hooked. I'm not shy about sharing my taste in music - since I was very young I've been known by my friends as a Shameless Pop Princess and I live up to that title very well, I'd like to think.

My newest obsession though, is something even I wouldn't have picked for myself. It's from an 'artist' I -- until recently -- had probably listened voluntarily maybe TWICE, ever. While she definitely sits solidly in the "Pop Musician" category I've just never been a fan. And when I say 'obsession' I mean I downloaded this song from iTunes last night at around 10pm and since then -- according to iTunes -- have listened to it over 40 times..

I want to believe a large part of my obsession is to do with how freaking adorable/hilarious the videoclip is but I guess I'll leave that judgement upto you. I give you, ladies and gentlemen, California Gurls - Katy Perry.

I know a place, where the grass is really greener.. Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water..

I offer no apology!
xx. A.

Bits and bobs.

I was going through my blog - updating it for the new year - when I found this draft of a post.. not sure why I never posted it, but it's from about November I believe. None of it is relevant anymore but there's some pretty pictures so I thought I'd make it public.

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So the last few weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. I sleep when I'm tired [which is always, to be honest] so my days kind of smush into eachother and before I know it a whole month has passed! That said though, I'm trying to do more with friends -- life is short and even though I feel like crap right now, I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I spent today alone when I could've done something with someone I loved instead.

Anyway there's no way I could write details about every single social occassion I've been to in the last little while -- I'm not that bored and I'm not that motivated -- instead I have just a little bunch of photos which I think sum it up nicely. =]

xx. A.

Everything else.

The problem with having a public 'diary' is that the public see it [funny that]. It becomes a place to share photos, and funny anecdotes, maybe let your family know how you're doing without having to contact them all individually.. but it really does stop being a place to tell the truth on every level.

I'm mad at someone. I've been mad at this someone for a long time, but the last few days in particular have made me significantly more upset. I feel justified in my anger, I believe with all my heart that they are in the wrong and I am in the right. But I respect this person [maybe not respect, misplaced loyalty perhaps?] too much to call them out on a public platform and so I'm going to write about something else, instead.

It's 2011! I want to be the kind of person who believes in a new year being a whole new beginning -- giving me the chance to be a whole new person, but lets face it, I'm far to cynical for that kind of behavior. I'm not the kind of person who makes new years resolutions but given what I've been through and the things I have overcome in the last 6 months or so, I really feel like a few changes would do me a world of good. Maybe not new years resolutions -- more like, "beat cancer and that scared the shit out of me and I've realised I'm not actually invincible and life doesnt go forever" resolutions.. or BCATSTSOOMAIRINAIALDGF resolutions for short. haha.

BCATSTSOOMAIRINAIALDGF Resolutions -- 01/01/2011, 3:11am.

- I will read more [books, computer stuff doesn't count].
- I will spend more time with the people I love.
- I will spend less time worrying about people who 'should' care not caring.
- I will get more sunshine!
- I will eat better, exercise more, and in general respect my body.
- I will pay off my mountain of debt.
- I will not complain about not having any 'play' money while paying off my mountain of debt.
- I will cut unnecessary bad influences from my life - people, objects and addictions.

There's a few more but they're mostly sort-of repeats or personal, so they'll be quietly filed away under "LOL SIF ANYONE CARES ANYWAY".

In unrelated news I just returned from almost a week in paradise.  Ok, not quite paradise - but pretty damned close. I was staying with my Dad in the Hunter Valley and I swear, he should start charging for accomodation - his house is like a resort.. Pool [the swimming kind], darts, pool table [the kind you're normally drunk while you play], gorgeous views, the whole nine yards..  I did very little more than lounge around by the pool, eat delicious food that I didn't cook [haha yay!], hang out with my brothers, play scrabble and read, for the entire week I was there.. so so good. =]

Here are a few pictures -- the week was really too great to ruin with words.

Anyway that's more than enough for tonight,
xx. A.