Anger.

I'm angry.

Not regular, "the dog knocked over a potplant", angry. But deep and soulseething angry, I want to throw things angry, screaming doesn't make me feel any better angry. Angry to the very core of my being. I feel as though my person has been absorbed by this living, breathing ball of anger that just cannot be expressed.

I'm the kind of person who (as previously mentioned) doesn't deal with emotions very well. My usual reaction to being mad or regular-person angry is just to walk away - to ignore it and wait for it to simmer away until there's nothing left and I'm okay again. And for the most part, this has worked.

This kind of angry though, it doesn't simmer down, it boils and bubbles over. For days I can be mad about the one thing until I just cannot hold it in any longer and I explode - almost literally - at whoever is unfortunate enough to be in line of sight. In the last month I have had more arguments than I previously had even LISTENED to in years. I've snapped at people for asking how I am - or for not asking often enough. I've snapped at people for suggesting that I look tired and should go rest. I've snapped for no reason at all except that the anger is so thick that I cannot swallow it back any longer.

I know where the anger stems from. I'm mad that I'm sick. I'm hurt that people seem to seesaw between being overbearingly caring and forgetting I exist. I'm scared of dying - as remote an option as this seems, as far fetched, according to statistics and all the paperwork doctors have fed me - I'm petrified.

I'm angry with myself for not being tested sooner. I had soooo many signs for months and months before I was diagnosed and I just put it off because I was embarrassed, it wasn't until I was FORCED to face the music as it were that I finally went to the doctor.

I guess, honestly, that's the biggest thing. I'm angry with myself and I find it impossible to feel anything else, toward almost anyone else. And that really sucks.

xx. A.