How it is.

So here's the deal -- I have cancer.

I'm not writing this blog for sympathy or to make a 'connection' with other 'survivors' or whatever the fuck, I'm writing because if I don't I'm going to kill someone. And hey, I might kill someone anyway so I guess we'll see.

I was diagnosed on Tuesday the 31st of August. First stage Cervical Cancer.. which honestly, if you have to have cancer, I guess this is the one you want to get. Entirely treatable through the most non-invasive methods available, and the survival and recovery rates are really quite high. I guess those facts didn't really sink in as the Doctor told me though because all I could hear was this white noise hissing in my ears and my head felt fuzzy like it was full of cotton balls or something. I was going through the motions but I felt like I was just looking down on a me-puppet from very far away, watching her make decisions and nod and seem to understand what the guy in the white jacket was telling her.

I don't handle emotions very well (obviously) so I hung onto it for a while and just kind of let puppet-me continue to go to work and carry on with life until I eventually got the balls to call my parents. They've been divorced for a few years now, so I had to tell them seperately, and honestly I think the hardest thing I've ever done was tell my dad. My mum has had cancer before so I knew it wasn't going to be a big thing to tell her -- she would know I'd come out on the other side okay and there'd be no crying or fuss. My dad though, he's the kind of person who is built to be a father -- he cares very deeply and he takes responsibility for everything. It nearly broke me to tell him. I felt like - by getting sick - I'd let him down. I guess in a way I still feel like that.

The next few days were a mess of phone calls, telling people who I hadn't spoken to for months but who -- apparently -- needed to know from me because it would be rude if they found out from someone else. It never got easier, "Oh hi, yah it's me. How've you been? ... oh that's good, good.. me? Oh, you know, working hard -- got a promotion at work a month or so ago so it's been crazy. Oh and you know what else! I have cancer! Craziest thing!" ... yeah.

Honestly that's something I find I'm still doing. Telling people because I feel like I'm obligated to, or pretending I'm okay on days when I'm really not, just because it would make people uncomfortable if I told the truth when they asked - uncaringly - "How are you?".

That's something that really gets to me, you know? Don't ask if you don't want a real answer. I am so angry and full of rage at the moment. I hurt. I'm nauseous. I'm tired. I really and truly do not have a single socially required "Fine thanks!" left in me and I really don't see why I should have to continue to offer them.

So anyway I guess I'll cut that post off here. Maybe I'll continue to recount what happened from then or maybe I'll just use this as a place to bitch or post about video games. Or maybe I just won't even bother posting at all, again. We'll see, I suppose.

xx. A.